A more perfect party school
Ray Gustini responds to the Princeton Review's party school rankings Ray Gustini
Last week, the editors of the Princeton Review tabbed Penn State University as the top party school in the nation, an assessment that is not only incorrect, but is also a bit dangerous. Happy Valley is many things — the alma mater of Joe Fortenbaugh, home to the most successful D-III basketball program of all-time — but a party mecca isn’t one of them.
APJoe Paterno.
I’m not just saying this because I went to a rival Big 10 school — it’s not like I’m questioning PSU’s place atop the “percentage-of-student-body-with-a-15-year-old-girlfriend-back-home” rankings. That’s not up for debate. The problem doesn’t even rest with the PSU students; if they want to spend weekends hanging out with their high school friends at the Orange Julius in Altoona, we should all respect that decision. But what about the high school senior who picks up the latest Princeton Review party school rankings and decides he wants to be a Nittany Lion, sight unseen? What do we tell this budding day drinker when he discovers that none of his peers is amused by the fact Joe Paterno is 117 years old? There has to be a better way.
I think I have an answer. It’s predicated on accepting the following three premises as true.
Premise No. 1: The Big Five need to retire.
Texas, Tulane, Wisconsin, Arizona State and San Diego State are the best party schools in the country. In a just world, they’d be guaranteed to hold the top spot once every five years, kind of like the British Open. As this is impossible, the best course of action is to remove them from the running altogether. This is only fair. In a field of amateurs, these five went pro a long time ago.
Premise No. 2: With very few exceptions, all schools are party schools.
Aside from service academies, deeply religious schools and the University of Michigan, it’s rare to see students sitting eerily still on a Friday night. The scene is similar everywhere you go: Cheap beer secreted away in gym bags, members of the opposite sex you secretly love or openly hate and a really great house party that’s too far to walk to. Really, that’s it — the basics are fairly well established.
Premise No. 3: Context determines meaning.
Everybody loves an underdog, except for the Princeton Review. Only three of the 20 schools included in the 2009 rankings had fewer than 5,000 undergraduates — Union (13th place, 2,200 students), DePauw (15th place, 2,400 students) and Sewanee (17th place, 1,400). Why aren’t these schools getting a shot at the Goliath next door? Why are Indiana and Tennessee randomly placed one spot ahead of in-state rivals DePauw and Sewanee? It reads like something Jay Bilas would write (although there’s only one Big East school, so maybe not).
APJim Delany.
The only solution, clearly, is some form of playoff. This seems like the logical way to crown a “true” top party school, which means nothing will ever come of it, thank you very much, Jim Delany. I’m actually getting frustrated that I’m not in a position to implement this plan. I mean, just how much revenue is Princeton Review losing by not opening up the selection process? Fourteen million people watched the video of those hipsters getting married to that Chris Brown song — you have to think 10 percent of that audience would be interested in a live event to select the sloppiest drunks in academia. Are the MCAT prep guides really selling so well that the Princeton Review people can’t find time for a week of free publicity during the slowest news stretch of the year? It’s not like there is some delicate polling equation involved — the result is just the average of how 300 students answered questions like, “So, do you like beer?” Use those results to single out the top 32 schools, and set up pods like the NCAA basketball tournament — 1 vs. 32, 2 vs. 31, etc. Weigh the original scores accordingly (somebody who got better than a C- in statistics can determine what is appropriate), and then reassemble a sub-set of the drunks and loafers from the original survey and grill them with a series of increasingly specific questions relating to their party habits.
This is how you separate the wheat from the chaff — how many dollars in damage did you do to your common room freshman year? Number of drunken texts sent to your parents last semester? For an extra wrinkle, deduct points for a high score in the “bad partying” category — on average, how many times a week do you snort Adderall off your lover’s thigh? Using the formula (which, again, will be created by somebody smarter than me), calculate the new arithmetic mean to see who moves on. Repeat until we have a champion. Cue up "One Shining Moment" on the Logitech speakers.
We owe it to the children to make this work.
Comments
Add a CommentI appreciate your candor regarding this ever delicate issue...don't stress it too much, as we all know, rankings are as valuable as an Ohio State degree: the only person it matters to is the person who tried to quantify something that is only qualitative. How one measures "the best party school" is contingent on a plethora of worthless facts. While on a recruiting trip to University of Indiana, I was asked by one of these Princeton Review people to fill out a generic questionnaire regarding party schools, sample questions: number of people at a house party (estimate), largest party you ever attended (based on keg count), number of drugs you were offered, etc. I answered these questions to the best of my ability, and the Princeton Review people assumed that my answers were reflective of the school at which I answered them...of course none of my answers had anything to do with IU, but thery were assumed to...its a really scientific approach. I would agree with the above commentator, if 5 footers and gravity bongs have as much impact on your daily routine as Organic Chemistry prep, you are at a pretty good party school...
Gotta be honest Ray, normally I don't agree with you on many things. But you and I see eye to eye on this one. My jaw almost hit the floor when I saw PSU was listed as number one. I'm not so familiar with Tulane and San Diego State, but I know Texas, Wisconsin and Zona State are always tops on the party list.
I must admit, I'm a little bias because I went to UWM. I can tell you numerous stories about our drinking reputation outside the state. In Florida, they won't let us enter drinking contests during spring break because "it wouldn't be fair." In California, the bartender thought I was nuts when I orderded a shot. Then when I ordered a jigger, he looked at me like I was speaking another language. I litterally had to show him what it was.
My question is, what makes Princeton think they are in any position to rank party schools to begin with.
Great article. These rankings are stupid. Its just hyped up bs by the media to sell news. Anybody with atleast a highschool education would know that. Also, no, our secondary educational system is not in the toilet. The indians and asians come to America to get educated. Drinking and partying was and always will be a part of the American college lifestyle. Trust me, the students who did nothing but party didn't leave Penn State with a degree.
To answer the Professor, The Princeton Review is completely unaffiliated with Princeton University. I believe the only connection is that they are both located in Princeton, NJ.
I am short on time, and intend to return and expound on this comment (in the immediate future).
However -
I would like to submit what you might call a "Sleeper" Best Party School into the field...this is a place where there are a number of reasons/excuses that may be/have been given as to why it is not a member of this "prestigious elite", but as an alum I feel this comment board may be the perfect place to pitch it (aka people here usually seem to have half a brain)...
I present to you, with great honor (and memories that will last 2 lifetimes), the University of South Florida, the main campus of which is located in Tampa, FL (actually, it's a 15-20 minute drive up 275 from downtown, but it's at the very border of the Tampa/Hillsborough area that turns into Temple Terrace and/or Lutz, FL)...
No time to look up the actual %'s as of '09, but off the top of my head, it's a solid 40,000+ (approx. the same as Arizona State), with 65% of the student population WOMEN. :) And since it's certainly not the same prestige/status of an FSU or UF, a good chunk of those ladies are on the dimmer side, if you catch my drift (without me offending anyone lol)...
Now that I live in Mesa/Tempe, AZ area, I have come to the conclusion that it is THE Arizona St. of the East...only with beaches! Hell, Jenn Sturger (sp? the former FSU BOMBSHELL) ended up going there, sadly after my time in Tampa had passed. NOW THAT is a party school, especially for the undergrads. I'm a Buckeye forever, a Clemson Tiger to boot, but I'll always be known as a Bull on any/all career applications. I'll never forget my time there (what I remember), and I am 100% certain that I'll never be around as many jaw-dropping babes for the rest of my life...what more could a guy ask for? (How bout an on-campus Football Field!?! Hopefully soon...)
Go Bulls!
Go badgers
Good read. Not only is Wisconsin ahead of PSU, I would also include UWEC, UW Stout, UW La Crosse, etc.
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Aug 04, 2009
02:40 PM
Good article. You could've made the concept of "bad partying" into it's own column, I think. The questions used to determine that difference would very interesting to read. ...and valuable to your readers on a practical level, I might add.
"What role, if any, do 5 ft bongs have in your morning routine?"
"Agree or disagree: a shot of vodka first thing in the morning is a good cure for a severe hangover."