Bobby Big Wheel's Week 11 recap

ESPN recently ran a documentary on Jimmy the Greek. The old footage of “The NFL Today” on CBS was striking because the show seemed so...informative (also, the opening theme music was amazing). CBS actually did some in-depth analysis.

Now, the three NFL pregame shows I’m privy to (ESPN, Fox and CBS) are male versions of “The View.” But that doesn’t mean that you, the discerning football fan, have to watch them.  Here are some options for pregame viewing based on your current lifestyle (note, these apply only to people living in the eastern time zone, so if you don’t live on the East Coast you should move here so you can follow my advice):

College student: Why are you waking up before noon, ever? Sleep as late as you can, leaving enough time to put on a jersey and make your way to a frathouse with Sunday Ticket.

Single, out of college: Simpsons DVDs do the trick, especially because they’ll help you understand half the references in my column. Get Seasons 3-8.

In a relationship: Throw your girlfriend/fiancee/wife a bone and don’t take control of the TV until 1 p.m. Watch “Grey’s Anatomy” on DVR with her, but have your laptop in front of you so you can make last-minute fantasy adjustments, and be careful not to pay attention to the show. Watching “Grey’s Anatomy” may cause you to drive a Phillips-head screwdriver into your temple.

Got kids: I’ve got no idea how to deal with ankle-biters, but exposing them to Terry Bradshaw at an early age might cause developmental disorders.  Avoid pregame shows at all costs.

Dolphins 24, Panthers 17
[Insert awkward protracted Ricky Williams metaphor of your choosing.]

Vikings 35, Seahawks 9
Well, thank God the Seahawks could lock down the coveted Jim Mora when they did. Otherwise this game would have been 35-0.

Cowboys 7, Redskins 6
If Adrian Peterson can be called “All Day,” can Marion Barber be “Half Day” or “Quarter Day”? And with the Redskins’ running backs dropping left and right, I say they give punter Hunter Smith some carries. He’s been their offensive MVP. Let’s see if he can get it done between the tackles.

Colts 17, Ravens 15
Did you see Dallas Clark’s one-handed grab in the end zone? That’s why everyone calls him the Pass Depository. Also, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but they’re doing a movie about Michael Oher’s life. They’re not promoting it much, but it stars the girl from the bus.

APNot a member of the recessive gene club.

Giants 34, Falcons 31
All right, Giants fans, listen up. I heard some of you booing Eli Manning during this one -- when he had more passing yards at home than any other game in his career. The offense has cost us exactly one game this year (the Cardinals game). The rest you can pin on the defense. Start booing Bill Sheridan because that guy definitely sucks. At least FootballCoachScoop.com says he’s done at the end of the year.

Lions 38, Browns 37
This was fun and pointless, like a really entertaining Continental Tire Bowl. Matthew Stafford showed that he’s a gamer by playing with a bum shoulder. We should root for a guy who plays hurt and has a howitzer for a right arm. He’s like Jeff George if Jeff George gave a crap.

Packers 30, 49ers 24
This was a tough loss, Niners fans, but maybe a can of JOOSE will make you happier. JOOSE: If you get a DUI, you won’t have to pay for gas any more.

Chargers 32, Broncos 3
Chris Simms joins Joe Buck in the Recessive Gene Club.

Jaguars 18, Bills 15
Dick Jauron was fired for having the boorish manners of a Yalie. In the meantime, if your coach is named Perry Fewell, why not enter the stadium to “Mountain Song”? It’s the only Jane’s Addiction song that annoying girls won’t sing along to.

Raiders 20, Bengals 17
Is there a Broadway in Oakland? If so, the Raiders are now helmed by Broadway Bruce Gradkowski. This game also dashed my hopes of a Who Dat-Who Dey Super Bowl.

Chiefs 27, Steelers 24
When the Chiefs returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown, they outdid everyone’s expectations of them in the first 15 seconds. The actual win was just gravy.

Cardinals 21, Rams 13
We shouldn’t be surprised that the Cards are doing so well; they have better nicknames than any other team. On offense, they have a Fitty, a Quan and a Beanie. And on defense, they’re led by Darnell Dockett, a grown man who was actually identified as “Fart Box” by his teammates at last year’s Super Bowl media day.

Saints 38, Bucs 7
I’m still a believer in Josh Freeman. Did you see his TD pass to the corner of the end zone? The problem is that he’s always on the sideline getting advice from Byron Leftwich. Don’t let Hefty Lefty poison young Josh’s mind!

Patriots 31, Jets 14
The Patriots face the Jags in Week 16, so we’ll know for sure whether Maurice Jones-Drew and Mike Sims-Walker or Tully Banta-Cain and BenJarvis Green-Ellis is the better hyphenated set of teammates.

Eagles 24, Bears 20
Bears fans should send Roger Goodell a golden calf or something in the hopes that he doesn’t schedule the Bears in prime time again.

Dr. Nick Riviera’s Injury Report
”Dwayne Bowe was suspended for four games because he used a diuretic to lose weight. Diuretic...is that even English? When I worked for Don King, I’d give the boxers goofballs so they could make weight. You try bulking up when you’re awake 23 hours a day!”

Chuck Klosterman’s Fantasy Pickup
”This week you need to grab Justin Forsett. Often I’m dubious of good players on bad teams, but this guy should make the most of his opportunity. Justin will be like Ted Nugent when he was still stuck on The Amboy Dukes. His solo work will flourish soon enough.”

Zombie Carl Sagan.

Zombie Carl Sagan’s Monday Night Pick
“This week, I’m picking the Texans to beat the Titans. The only reason is that I need Steve Slaton to have a good game or I lose my fantasy game to Zombie Isaac Newton’s team, The Second Law of Sagan’s Mom. Not cool, dude.”

Texans 30, Titans 23
Zombie Carl’s record: 3-2 (4-1 ATS)

E-mail Bobby Big Wheel at robertbigwheel@gmail.com

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