Bobby Big Wheel's Week 8 recap

We just witnessed the Battle of New Jersey, as the Eagles and Giants squared off on the same weekend the Yankees and Phillies. No doubt the numerous casualties will hurt the bottom lines of hair gel and fake nail retailers. One of my best friends is a huge Giants/Yankees fan, much more so than myself. He’s the type of guy who will go bonkers after an RBI single by Derek Jeter in July during a 7-1 game. Yet his longtime girlfriend happens to be a Philly fan. And that’s a good thing.

When you date a fan of an opposing team, it’s not like a Democrat dating a Republican, or a Crip dating a Blood. Those pairings rarely work because different values underlie your political and gang affiliation. Whereas which team you’re a fan of is mostly a function of where you grew up. Diehard fans of different teams share similar values. They have more in common with each other than they do with their own team’s bandwagon fans.

In fact, dating someone who likes the same teams as you can actually be a detriment. Liking the same teams can be like good bedroom chemistry; it lets you gloss over everything that’s wrong between you. Sure, you might push each other’s buttons, but her father just got you Yankees tickets on the third base line!  You can focus on the game for three hours and not have to listen to her drone on. Maybe you’ll snag a foul ball.

Now, the games.

Eagles 40, Giants 17
I just spent the weekend in New Orleans. On Halloween, I made out with a girl dressed like Bo Peep who said she had slept with Jeremy Shockey. I woke up with a gold medal from Harrah’s and have no idea how it came into my possession. I shut down a bar one night and opened one up the next day. Now I have some combo of H1N1 and whooping cough. I think the Giants’ trip to play the Saints in Week 6 had a similar effect on them.

Texans 31, Bills 10
If I had just sacked Ryan Fitzpatrick, I’d yell, “Try getting a reservation at Dorsia now” at him. And on behalf of all Steve Slaton fantasy owners, I’d like to give a hearty and futile shake of the fist to Ryan Moats. Slaton too, while I’m at it.

Ravens 30, Broncos 7
At one point, Kyle Orton completed 16 passes for 95 yards. That’s beyond a west coast offense; that’s a Middle-of-the-Pacific offense. Don’t believe the jersey; that guy ain’t no AFL throwback.

Browns 30, Bears 6
When the Browns offense would walk off the field before a punt, it actually looked relieved that it hadn’t turned the ball over. Also, I’d like to congratulate Orlando Pace. For years, skill position players like Joe Namath, Jerry Rice and Emmitt Smith hung around too long and looked terrible on their final teams. But never before has an offensive lineman tarnished his legacy like that. Kudos, Mr. Pace.

APJohn Killer Carlson.

Cowboys 38, Seahawks 17
Nickname watch: John “Killer” Carlson.  If you don’t get it, put “Slap Shot” at the top of your Netflix queue. The reason Bill Simmons never included it in his missives on sports movies is that none of the best quotes could be used on ESPN.com.

Rams 17, Lions 10
One of my friends wore a Shoney’s bear costume on Halloween. It was impossible to drink through the mouth so he had to rest his bear helmet on the top of his head to take a swig of firefly. Made him look kind of like Matthew Stafford. Also, Josh Brown’s TD pass to Daniel Fells set a record as the pass TD with the least fantasy impact of all time.

Colts 18, 49ers 14
If we replaced Jim Caldwell with a cigar store Indian, would anybody notice?  (Also, the cigar store Indian episode of Seinfeld featured Jerry’s most attractive girlfriend of the series’ first five years. The perm and bulky dress era was not kind on men’s eyes.)

Dolphins 30, Jets 25
The Jets are the latest team to lose a 3-4 tackle and look shaky without him. If you install that defense, you’re sure putting a lot of faith in a 350-pound man staying healthy.

Chargers 24, Raiders 16
Don’t worry about Tom Cable if he gets fired; he can always go back to his old job in charge of security at Altamont.

Titans 30, Jaguars 13
I want Vince Young to catch on in the league, if only because he could have a Tracy Morgan-esque career arc. Also, isn’t it funny when your friends call Rob Bironas “My Bironas”? Oh wait, your buddies never say that because you’re not friends with Chris Berman.

Vikings 38, Packers 26
I feel for you, Vikings fans. You hate Brad Childress, but his teams do just well enough that he doesn’t get fired. This was known as the Jim Fassel Era among Giants fans. Terry Bradshaw interviewed Brett Favre on Fox before the game; if I worked at CBS, I would have advertised that fact on my network. Meanwhile, when Mike McCarthy is calling plays from his sheet, he looks like a fat guy ordering off the laminated Denny’s menu.

Panthers 34, Cardinals 21
My friend Dolemite (not THE Dolemite) used to live in the U.K. and told me women would become famous solely by being the wife or girlfriend of a famous soccer player. He asked me if we had any of those in the U.S., and I realized the closest we have to a WAG is Brenda Warner.

Nick Riviera’s injury report
"Owen Daniels is out for the year with knee paralysis. I told him I could try replacing his old tendon with a bendy straw, but he wanted a second opinion."

Chuck Klosterman’s fantasy pickup
"This week’s pickup is Larry Johnson. Hey, he’s only suspended for one game, and it’s not like Jamaal Charles is lighting the world on fire. Besides, Skid Row let Sebastian Bach hang around after his, um, incident."

Zombie Sagan.

Zombie Carl Sagan’s Monday night pick
"When I was teaching at the University of Chicago, I was preparing a paper that would finally describe a unified field theory of the universe. Unfortunately, the weekend before I was going to start it, I took a trip to New Orleans, drank too many hurricanes at Pat O’Brien’s and forgot what I was going to write. So screw New Orleans."

Falcons 33, Saints 27

Carl’s Record: 2-0.

Bobby Big Wheel can be reached at robertbigwheel@gmail.com. 

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