Bobby Big Wheel's Week 9 recap

I don’t know how many of you made it to my personal Web site, but one of the favorite things I ever wrote was this breakdown of the difference between dudes and bros. Basically, a dude is someone who gets people to like him by being who he is, whereas a bro is someone who more actively tries to get people to like him, usually by conforming to prevailing societal trends.

This week marked a faceoff between Eli Manning and Philip Rivers. Not only was it a 2004 draft class showdown, but it was also a matchup between the biggest bro QB and the biggest dude QB. Rivers taunts opposing players and fans, preaches abstinence and carries himself on the field like he’s the Million Dollar Man. Eli, meanwhile, is a prank-loving goofball who can’t jump rope and shrugs off pictures of himself intoxicated in public.

Anyway, it’s a lot more fun to root for a dude than a bro. Here’s a breakdown of a few more prominent QBs:
Peyton Manning: Dude. I used to think he was a dork, but he played Will Forte’s leg like a guitar on SNL. Classic dude move.
Ben Roethlisberger: Bro. Dudes stay away from crotch rockets.
Carson Palmer:  Dude. Laid back, runs a cornhole tournament, came across excellently on HBO’s “Hard Knocks.”
Jay Cutler: Bro. As reader Mike D. put it, this guy’s the Roger Dorn of the NFL.  No dude would ever sleep with Julia Allison.
Tony Romo: Bro. Same goes for Jessica Simpson.

Now, the games:

Titans 34, 49ers 27

APBehold the tiny hands of Alex Smith.

The great thing about the Alex Smith Era getting rebooted is that we get to marvel at his tiny hands.  They’re the most mesmerizing piece of football anatomy this side of Bill Parcells’s gut.

Patriots 27, Dolphins 17
The Dolphins are 3-5 overall but 3-1 in the division. Does that mean the AFC East is now the MAC of the NFL? Regardless, I know a few guys who think Chad Henne belonged on Eastern Michigan (lyrics are NSFW).

Falcons 31, Redskins 17
In case anyone missed it, DeAngelo Hall started jawing at Mike Smith. All the Falcons rushed to defend their coach, none of the Redskins had Hall’s back.  That, and the ‘Skins falling for the “draw the defense offsides on fourth-and-1” play, tells you all you need to know about Washington this year. At least Todd Yoder seems to be having a good time. Did you check out his blond Mohawk?  He’s having one heck of a rumspringa.

Seahawks 32, Lions 20
Since Matthew Stafford went to UGA, I’d like to use this space to congratulate the SEC. Ever since the SWC imploded, the country has waited to have an outlaw conference that we could all mock as crooked. Kudos, Mr. Silve.

Cowboys 20, Eagles 16
For Giants fans, this is the ultimate “rooting for the meteor” game because the Redskins have already been decimated by the meteor known as Dan Snyder. At the very least, I was hoping Donovan McNabb would forget the game could end in a tie again.

Chargers 21, Giants 20
The last time the Chargers played a road game against the Giants, it was the infamous Snowball Game, where fans pelted the field with the leftovers of a blizzard and knocked the Chargers’ equipment manager out with a block of ice.  Too bad it was 70 and clear, because I would have loved a reprise of that aimed at Shawne Merriman after the last play of the game. Or Philip Rivers. Or either of the Giants’ coordinators, because they’ve done a terrible job this season.

Bengals 17, Ravens 7
The Jerk Store was watching this game from his perch in Cincinnati, and his wife saw Ray Lewis on screen and asked, “Isn’t he the murderer?”  Which brought up a good point. If Lewis had been present during a murder under Roger Goodell, how long would he have been suspended? Three years?

Bucs 38, Packers 28
The Packers’ yellow pants and the Bucs’ creamsicle duds made this game look like a Fanta commercial. And the pastel orange polo shirts the Bucs’ coaching staff wore made them look like refugees from a UVA frat party. You can see what those guys saw in Josh Freeman, though. He has the look of a pro QB when he’s in the pocket; he’s the anti-Cade McNown.

Cardinals 41, Bears 21
Some people are castigating Tommie Harris for punching Deuce Lutui through the facemask, but I’m actually impressed. It’s tough to fit your whole fist through a facemask, especially if you’re 6-3, 295 pounds. Harris probably has some monster meathooks. There’s a reason Brandon Spikes poked that UGA player in the eye, and it’s not because he wants a part in the new Three Stooges movie.

Colts 20, Texans 17
Pey-pey might not beat Dan Marino’s passing record, but he sure as hell owns the record for loudest audibles. I can hear him read defenses across a crowded bar. Further, I’ve noticed a lot of vitriol from fellow Steve Slaton owners aimed toward Ryan Moats, but Gary Kubiak blew this, too. Benched after one measly fumble? Tiki Barber fumbled all the time and he was the Giants’ feature back for like five years.

Saints 30, Panthers 20
John Fox saw Navy’s Wing-T beat Notre Dame and figured he might as well give it a whirl in the first half. But his team found yet another way to give the game away on a turnover. Maybe next time Jake Delhomme will throw a pick to a line judge.

Jaguars 24, Chiefs 21
My friend Dolemite saw Jamaal Charles in the VIP section of a Las Vegas nightclub. I was impressed, not because he saw the Chiefs running back but that he was able to recognize him in public.  And he’s not even a Chiefs fan. I could probably pass Ahmad Bradshaw on the street and not notice him.

Dr Nick Riviera’s Injury Report
”It looks like Chris Henry will miss the rest of the regular season with an inverted arm. Chris is actually an old patient of mine; I treated him in Morgantown after he got a black eye and a broken nose in a football game. First time I ever heard of a football game being played at 3 a.m. on a Saturday, though.”

Chuck Klosterman’s Fantasy Pickup of the Week
”This week you should grab Malcolm Floyd of the Chargers. He’s been promoted to starter, the run game is struggling, and the Chargers’ defense ensures the team will still be passing late. Chris Berman has already dubbed him Malcolm “Pink” Floyd. Boomer is a walking AOR nickname machine.”

Zombie Carl Sagan.

Zombie Carl Sagan’s Monday Night Pick
”Last week, the woman suing Ben Roethlisberger resigned her position at Harrah’s. But isn’t she a cocktail waitress? You need to achieve a certain rank to resign instead of quit. For example, I resigned from the Smithsonian Astrophysical Observatory to take a position at Cornell, but Michael Pittman quit from Foot Locker to take a position in the UFL.”

Broncos 20, Steelers 17

Carl’s record: 2-1 (3-0 against the spread)

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