Do Not Trust These Men: Week 10

As we enter the season of joy and giving, it’s time to take stock of the people most likely to stuff your stocking with anthrax, or an acid-spraying cherry cordial. What follows is a partial list:

Jonathan Ames. The problem with “Bored To Death” — ultimately — was that you never really got the impression anyone involved had read a private-eye novel by someone other than Raymond Chandler. The blame, I suppose, rests with creator Jonathan Ames. Ames is a writer who is very funny very often, but he’s never struck me as someone capable of having his soul hardened by the final chapter of Ross MacDonald’s “The Chill” (bar none the finest mystery ever written by an American). That’s what made Shane Black’s “Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang” such a cosmic treat. It didn’t dress as noir — it existed as noir. The sins of the father were there in every frame, waiting to be detected. The fact they’re unquestionably tough gave Robert Downey Jr. and Val Kilmer license to be morons. That was the joke — they were Robert Mitchum and Robert Taylor on stupid pills. “Bored To Death” star Jason Schwartzman, needless to say, does not spring from the world of pulp fiction, a fish-out-of-water gag that would hypothetically produce laughs, except for the fact Schwartzman is the prototypical hipster private eye. He wears the wrinkled trench coat and dirty red tie with aplomb, but time and again the blonde he sidles up to at the sacred gin mill doesn’t want to know where her kid sister ran off to, but rather, the location of a very special skateboard. You can’t help but wonder whether Ames would have been more at home with a show about a guy who does inconsequential favors for people, shops at American Apparel and occasionally drops by Ted Danson’s house to smoke dope. Considering HBO just ordered a second season, I suppose retooling is not out of the question.

Elizabeth Lambert’s critics. The footage of the female New Mexico soccer player taking out her opponent was so disturbing that it took a good three days for any blogger to point out the fact she has really nice legs. There was something cute and awkward about the way the ESPN anchors tried to process what they were seeing. It was like Holden Caulfield finding out about Jane and Stradlater. Even Bram Weinstein — a D.C. native I really do like — had to have Judy Foudy explain to him on live television that girls are competitive sometimes too. What Lambert did was rough, crazy and irrational, and it might have done more to advance women’s athletics than any single moment in my lifetime. The dreaded enforcer gene is present on both chromosomes.

The Redskins’ online team shop. The natural reaction of any rational person is to disagree with John Riggins’s recent salvos against team owner Dan Snyder, but there comes a point when you have to ask yourself why somebody who is allegedly deep down a good person keeps doing things that would make Lionel Barrymore blush. Suing unemployed fans, snatching anti-management posters from spectators on national television — at what point does this read like the resume of someone who doesn’t have the public’s best interest at heart? I thought about this again when I saw this replica Adam Archuleta jersey selling on the team’s online store for $71.99, the same price as a Sean Taylor jersey, just as the busy season for confused older relatives haphazardly buying gifts for young sports fans kicks into gear. I don’t think I’m being paranoid — even if the $71.99 price tag for the Arch deluxe jersey is a mere oversight (arguable, considering the Jason Taylor jerseys are selling for $29), the fact remains the team is presenting the jersey of a long-departed, cap-killing bust as equivalent to the jerseys of those on the roster. These jerseys are taking up space in a warehouse somewhere. What better way to unload them than by appealing to nice people who don’t know any better. It’s not like it hasn’t worked before for Snyder.

APNoted turncoat DeSean Jackson.

Anyone who mentions their high school during the Sunday night football intros. DeSean Jackson broke Mike Silver’s brain Sunday night when he declared himself a product of Long Beach Polytechnic High School. Unless you were kicked off your college team, where’s the upside for the player? If you’re starting in the NFL, odds are you’re fairly well-regarded at your high school. Dropping its name on TV seems like overkill, and maybe even a bit short-sighted: You’re going to need the support of the people who watched you play in college to realize your dream lending your name to a chain of marginally successful sports bars secretly bankrolled by Korean gangsters. (Not going to lie: I’ve practiced my delivery of “Ray Gustini…Wisconsin” more than I would care to admit. I recently made the decision to change from “University of Wisconsin” to plain “Wisconsin” on account of it sounding crisper. You’ll see what I mean when I’m introduced alongside the rest of the Giants offensive line Week 14 at the Meadowlands.)

Ellie Kemper. The College Humor siren joined “The Office” last year, presumably after Roy from “The Simpsons” dismissed the role as perfunctory. Coming on the heels of nuanced turns by Rashida Jones, Amy Adams and Amy Ryan, Kemper is like one of those rogue bears that occasionally terrorizes Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin. She has a taste for scenery, and god help the understated character actor who gets in the way. She and Mindy Kaling actually have a blog where they exchange drywall recipes.

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