Do Not Trust These Men: Week 9

The NFL season is halfway over, but the list of people not to trust never ends. Here’s who I’m viewing with dread and suspicion this week.

Steve Slaton. Speaking for everyone who’s had to listen to a friend go on and on about Slaton’s awful 2009 season as if there was never a football player named Fred Taylor, I’d appreciate some finality on the subject. It’s like he’s in a fantasy football coma. The Singing Detective didn’t hang around this long.

APBobby April, the last competent special teams coach in pro football.

Any special teams coach not named Bobby April. Some 8,000 kicks have been returned for touchdowns in 2009, with 6,500 going against the Jets alone. This wasn’t what the rules committee had in mind when they banned the wedge formation last May, a decision ostensibly motivated by player safety that has gone horribly wrong and made the game of football more exciting. To correct this error, another rule change — possibly one that gives the coverage team limited access to harpoons — is undoubtedly in the planning stages. So I guess what I’m saying is, enjoy the visor-flipping special teams coaches while you can. These are your interim head coaches of the future.

Everyone who covers Tim Tebow. Last Saturday’s column from CBSSports.com’s Dennis Dodd mentioned a “skirmish” between Tim Tebow and Brandon Spikes after Florida’s win over Mississippi State, a tidbit overshadowed by the subsequent dialogue on the state of eye-gouging in America. At worst, this anecdote is harmless and inconsequential. At best, it’s juicy and kind of interesting. Either way, it seems tailor-made to promote the kind of circular logic that sustains the 24-hour sports cycle. Yet the national media refused to run with it. This wasn’t rumor-mongering — the story was confirmed by the Florida Times-Union — nor was it scurrilous or defamatory. It really does seem like just a few pushes between teammates. This isn’t a sign of a pro-Florida media bias. It’s a testament to the pressure Tebow’s mere existence exerts on the people around him. Only the most outsized themes and events register. There are no takers for Tim Tebow’s minutia.

Taylor Mays. The most calamitous decision to stay in school since Chris Porter passed up millions of dollars in guaranteed money to honor the tradition and heritage of Auburn basketball. He’s even in danger of falling from atop the list of prospects most frequently confused with a similarly named pornographic actress.

Chris Chambers. Chargers general manager A.J. Smith earned a reputation for ruthlessness in his dealings with the pliable and not-at-all-stubborn Marty Schottenheimer, but even by Smith’s standards, forcing Norv Turner to get rid of Chris Chambers was brutal. It’s impossible to overstate how much Turner loved Chambers, dating to their days in Miami. Turner wouldn’t even fire LesCharles McDaniel to save his job in Washington — clearly the alternative must have involved bodily harm to Terry Allen.

Jon Gruden’s lap. Do. Not Want.

APActive senior John Carney.

John Carney. Carney hasn’t been good since the 1890s. It’s a mystery why GMs keep rushing down to the VFW to sign him any time their regular kicker goes down. On Monday night, he and fellow polio survivor Jason Elam (combined age: 84) combined to shank three field goals. Now, Elam is a good kicker, as well as a Penn/Faulkner Award winner for “Monday Night Jihad.” Carney hasn’t been able to kick or write worth a damn since he took that shrapnel in Korea. He also has a disquieting habit of wandering the entire length of the sidelines when the Saints are on defense. Shell shock or not, that’s weird. Provided Garrett Hartley doesn’t pull any all-nighters for a chemistry exam nobody knows about, he should be the kicker and Carney should be the guy who remembers what used to cost a nickel.

ESPN’s “30 For 30.” Ridiculously enjoyable (especially the Mike Tollin episode about the UFL USFL), but I just wish they pushed the all killer no filler edict a little harder and gone without the requisite Muhammad Ali and Len Bias installments. I’d rather watch Billy Crystal’s annual hodgepodge of old Mickey Mantle footage. The personal element is compelling, but I worry they missed the chance to pull off real down and dirty reporting into something affecting and newsworthy like, say, the Sean Taylor murder or the Dave Bliss/Baylor basketball scandal. Just a bit more teeth would be nice.

Follow me on Twitter: RayGustini

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