The real meaning behind athletes’ recent statements. Andrew Brandt
With so many comments in the news recently making me cry out with an incredulous “Seriously?” I feel compelled to offer a public service message about what these people are really saying while they say something else. As a first in a series of “What they say” and “What they mean,” here’s a list from the past week, starting with our favorite philandering golfer:
Tiger Woods:
“I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated.”
I got caught.
“My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners.”
Do you believe sponsors dropped me for cheating on my wife? I’ll show them. Rock on, Nike!
“I do plan to return to golf one day. I just don’t know when that day will be.”
The sponsors who dropped me will be singing their song of regret when I start dominating the tour again.
“I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me.”
I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. Guess that won’t be so easy now.
PGA Commissioner Tim Finchem on Tiger:
“He’s an American hero.”
He’s my meal ticket!
Fawning media over Tiger’s statement:
He was honest, sincere and heartfelt.
I hope he will still like me and give me one of the first interviews.
Now on to football…
Vince Wilfork, on being given a franchise tag from the Patriots:
“It’s basically a slap in the face.”
Why can’t I get Haynesworth money now!
The Patriots, on placing the tag on Wilfork:
“Despite numerous proposals, we were unable to reach a long-term agreement.”
He wanted Haynesworth money.
Free agent Terrell Owens, on his relationship with one of his former quarterbacks:
“Donovan and I are friends.”
Dude, I need a job!
Donte’ Stallworth, on signing with the Ravens:
“I’m thankful for this opportunity.”
I thought no one would sign me after I accidentally killed a man.
GM Ozzie Newsome, on the Ravens’ signing of Stallworth:
“We believe in second chances, and Donte’ deserves that.”
We got a guy that got $35 million from the Browns two years ago for less than $1 million with nothing guaranteed and can get rid of him at the first sign of a problem. I’ll take that deal!
Dean Spanos, on releasing LaDainian Tomlinson from the Chargers:
“I respect LT as much or more than any player I’ve ever known.”
As much as I love him, I’m not paying him that $2M bonus coming up.
Julius Peppers, on the possibility of staying with the Carolina Panthers:
“Last year at this time, that was the option that I wanted most. Now it’s not.”
I know teams have told my agent they’d pay me way more than Carolina. What? Is that not allowed?
The Browns’ Mike Holmgren, on their offseason plan:
“We believe in building a team through the draft and being very selective in free agency; I think that's how you build it.”
Have you seen some of the contracts they gave out around here?
Ahman Green, on potentially re-signing with the Packers:
“It sounds like I'll be back next season. I'm just getting myself in shape and getting ready for 2010.”
Although Ted Thompson would like to replace me with a low-round draft pick, they should bring me back. Or at least I hope they do.
Mike Vrabel’s agent, on possibly re-signing with the Patriots:
“He has only the best of feelings for what he was able to accomplish with the team.”
He’ll play for cheap to come back.
Gary Brackett’s agent, on possibly re-signing with the Colts:
Gary has expressed his desire to retire a Colt.
Show me the money!
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Check out the NFP's 2010 Draft Central for in-depth coverage leading up to the draft.
Andrew, those are good ones. I have one to add: Lindsey Vonn: "My shin really hurt." - I had to make sure I had an excuse if I screwed up.
Best article ever!
Andrew Brandt tells it like it is.
My fav were the Wilfork lines. Hilarious.
This was a great article once you got to the football stuff. First, I really don't care about Tiger and second, you didn't provide a fresh angle on the topic. And ... quite frankly, I don't come to NATIONAL FOOTBALL POST for my Tiger Woods news.
I think Stallworth's biggest worry about finding a new team had more to do with the fact that he has been a career underachiever and not because he accidentally killed a man who was also partially at fault in the collision. If Vick can be a interstate gambling and dog-fighting kingpin for years and still find a home in the NFL, then so can anyone else short of Rae Carruth.
Andy Reed on releasing Brian Westbrook:
"I think we all know that Brian is one of the all-time great Philadelphia Eagles."
-- "I think we all know that when Brian plays he is one of the all-time great Philadelphia Eagles."--
National FOOTBALL Post, right? Please don't stoop to articles like this during the off-season. Not interested, not football-related (though it was spun that way). There are many more things regarding football and football players and NFL teams that could easily be put in place of something as irrelevant as this.
When you go to the check-stand at the store: glance around and read all you want about drama material such as this. I somehow doubt your target audience are largely Enquirer subscribers.
Misfit, please take note; it is the off-season. There's not going to be a ground-breaking story every day during February, March, and April. Get real. Thanks for putting a quirky spin on the stories that are current, Andrew. This blurb session was appreciated.
This was a great article.
Thanks
Tiger Woods:
“I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated.”
... I’m just so thankful you haven’t found out the good stuff yet.
“My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners.”
... Worry - shmorry! Oh, by the way, thanks for the girls!
“I do plan to return to golf one day. I just don’t know when that day will be.”
... As soon as I can get this wife of mine to believe one more lie, I’m back in business!
“I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me.”
... I work hard swinging a golf club, not like the schlubs who keep bothering me for autographs.
PGA Commissioner Tim Finchem on Tiger:
“He’s an American hero.”
... Did I just say that? Have I no respect for myself?
Fawning media over Tiger’s statement:
He was honest, sincere and heartfelt.
... Did I just say that? Have I no respect for myself?
this is good stuff...may we have more please?
I don't know how Ted Thompson gets such a bad rap on the way he dealt with Favre but Belichick gets a free pass on his stingy business tactics. Look at the number of top level players he's tagged, low-balled and let go because the Pats won't pay their star players. Does Bill really think he's going to be able to re-sign Wilfork next year after the way they've treated him? Bill is so tight with his money I'd swear he's Jewish.
Very funny stuff. It is very reminicient of the "BSPN translator" that appears from time to time on Mike & Mike in the Morning.
Jeremy - I believe the rules state that if a RFA player is offered a contract, the originating team must match the deal. It's sort of out of the hands of the player. From what I understand, the RFA procedure is a lot more public than with UFAs.
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Feb 23, 2010
12:26 PM
You guys have out snarked me, between this and the Wilson/Bragg wire story on Michael Vick. Regular humor stands naked in comparison....