Real Fake People: Very Fake Al Davis

HELLO.

APBob Belichick, Fake Al's favorite trade partner.

As you may be aware, I performed a professional football trade with the New England Patriots this past weekend, my seventh since 2005. People wonder why I trade with New England so often, what with the region still smarting about the accusations I leveled against Goody Proctor some years back. I would reply that, even in this day of computer writing, there is no substitute for personal relationships. That’s what Bob Belichick and I have. It’s the kind of relationship unique to those of with multiple Super Bowl rings — three for Bob, 72 for me. We can literally trade without thinking. This assessment (by me, Al Davis) gains traction when you examine our earlier professional football trades, currently available as HISTORICAL FACTS in atlases, self-winding typewriters and this article from a Bay Colony newspaper written by one Mike Reiss, no doubt a loyal supporter of King George.

April 2005. Raiders trade 2006 fifth-round draft pick and 2005 seventh-round draft pick to Patriots for 2005 sixth-round draft pick. A clear win for us. New England used our seventh-rounder to select quarterback Matt Cassel, WHO ISN”T EVEN ON THE TEAM ANYMORE. Bob came out looking like a fool on this one.

September 2006. Raiders trade WR Doug Gabriel to Patriots for 2007 fifth-round draft pick. Belichick specifically asked for a wide receiver that couldn’t run or catch. At the time, I had half a dozen players who fit that description but ended up offering Gabriel, seeing as how he was the youngest and cheapest of the lot. Both parties went away happy.

April 2007. Raiders trade 2008 third-round draft pick and 2007 seventh-round draft to Patriots for 2007 third-round draft pick. I had already used my third-round pick on Quentin Moses, a player I would cut less than five months later, so you can see the bind I was in. Mario Henderson wasn’t just going to be a franchise left tackle for the next 30-50 years — his selection was my way of honoring Art Shell and Jackie Slater, two of the shrewdest football people I’ve ever fired. So I mortgaged the future a little bit, big deal. Nobody gets on the Jets about trading their first-rounders in 1998 and 1999 because Parcells anticipated Manhattan being turned into a maximum-security prison by President Donald Pleasence (may he rest in peace).

APNo regrets about Randy Moss.

April 2007. Raiders trade WR Randy Moss to Patriots for 2007 fourth-round draft pick. It was painful, but as an organization we realized that, in two years time, when we reach for an underachieving wide receiver out of Maryland named Darrius Heyward-Bey, we simply could not have a Hall of Fame wide receiver on the roster co-opting touches. Throws from JaMarcus that travel more than five yards are rare enough as is.

April 2009. Raiders trade 2009 second-round pick (40th overall) to Patriots for 2009 second-round pick (49th overall), 2009 fourth-round pick, and 2009 sixth-round pick. The Patriots offered us a bundle to move up and draft Darius Butler. I agreed, on the condition I was allowed to waive the player I select with the fourth-round pick (linebacker Slade Norris). Belichick was actually OK with this. In fact, his exact words were, “I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care.” That’s the kind of thinking that only gets you three Super Bowls, ROBERT.

August 2009. Raiders trade DE Derrick Burgess to Patriots for 2010 third-round pick and 2010 fourth-round pick. Derrick Burgess knows how to sack the quarterback, something I’ve never cared for. Championships aren’t won by rangy linemen sacking opposing quarterbacks in the regular season and playoffs — they’re won in the offseason by kids from colleges you’ve never heard of running in Lucas Oil Stadium in shorts and T-shirts. 

September 2009. Raiders trade 2011 first-round pick to Patriots for DE Richard Seymour. Along with being 22-years-old, Richard Seymour is incredibly healthy. He’s also under contract for several years, but even if he wasn’t, finding the money to re-sign him won’t be a problem in this economy, which is Vibrant and Booming. Even if there is a draft in 2011 (which is no guarantee, should Baron von Hammerschmidt’s weather machine debut ahead of schedule), who would I be drafting? I’ll tell you who — kids! FROM THE FUTURE! I think not.

END COMPUTER WRITING.

Follow Fake Al on Twitter: VeryFakeAlDavis

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