Real Fake People: Very Fake Al Davis

This morning, while attempting to calculate the 40 time of an English muffin, I heard a man on TV say something dismissive about JaMarcus Russell. I bounded out of the breakfast nook to confront him. You’re probably thinking, “Oh Fake Al, that’s what he wanted you to do. The man on the television set was trying to steal your identity.” MAYBE SO. But why not wait for me to accidentally publish my social security number again in the Raiders media guide? This feels like the start of something much more sinister: What if the President of TV is using JaMarcus to get to me? It’s happened before. Remember those Basque nationalists who tried to kidnap Napoleon Kaufman? Bullies like that only respond to one thing: getting blown up with dynamite. As Amy Trask took away my dynamite in 2002, this whisper campaign has had to be of the non-exploding variety.

APFootball playing imp Jeff Garcia didn't last long in Oakland.

As of this computer writing, it’s going swimmingly. I’m locked in a feud with CBS analyst and former Raiders quarterback Rich Gannon. It was only two years ago that Gannon led the team to the Super Bowl, but it feels like longer. Like all wily journeymen, Gannon is jealous of JaMarcus Russell’s immense physical gifts unbounded from anything resembling a feel for the game. John Herrera and I agree this is probably why Jeff Garcia asked for his release after JaMarcus tried to bite him for the second time.

Such defections would seem to run contrary to the Internet Rumor that I love bringing in veteran players. Let me repeat again that this is only an Internet Rumor and is not to be trusted, like those people who leave a perfectly good hitchhiker in the crawl space. It’s not just that older players are opinionated. They’ve lost the childlike sense of wonder that forms the backbone of any successful football franchise. It’s like what happened with the noted nihilist Peter Pan — first he was a kid and befuddled adults lived in fear he'd seduce their British daughters. Then he went away for a while and came back grouchy and looking like T.S. Garp — it was startling. Eventually, he recaptured his innocence and used it to kill Dustin Hoffman, who wasn't very sporting. I refuse to field a team of mopey T.S. Garps, and not just because I believe sex belongs in the home and not in the Oldsmobile. What does JaMarcus see when he throws the ball over his receiver’s head -- dragons? A 10-foot tall Louis Murphy? NOBODY KNOWS.

It bothers me when people refer to my goon squad as goons. It upsets the goons, too. Could a goon kick a reporter out of the locker room for attempting to interview a player and then follow him to the press box and continue berating him for another 10 minutes? No sir. We’re just perfecting the formula: the Oakland Raiders experience. Gannon says we should blow it up? I think it’s time to start selling franchises.

Follow Fake Al on Twitter: VeryFakeAlDavis

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