Real Fake People: Very Fake Al Davis

HELLO.

I am writing on the computer today to address some misconceptions regarding an alleged incident last week where Raiders coach Tom Cable supposedly attacked secondary coach Randy Hanson. While I usually prefer the details of such incidents to stay in-house, strapped to a trundle bed watching old Ritz Brothers movies, the ugly nature of these rumors has prompted me to speak out in a public forum.

Misconception No. 1: Tom Cable attacked Randy Hanson.

FALSE!

APTom/Ted Cable.

First of all, our coach’s name is Ted, not Tom, so that makes me wonder right there. Is it possible Ted has an evil twin? Of course. You always run that risk. But what are the odds that evil twin is named Tom? Maybe 15 percent, tops? Plus, HR says he checked “no” in the evil twin box when he was first hired. Ted’s a good man, and Ted wouldn’t lie about something like an evil twin. Breaking an assistant’s jaw, maybe, but definitely not about having an evil twin. The only logical conclusion is that Randy Hanson is a liar. For all we know, he doesn’t even have a jaw.

Misconception No. 2: Furniture in the Raiders training complex has become self-aware.

MAYBE FALSE!

After everybody realized that Ted would no more attack Randy Hanson than attempt a razzle-dazzle fake field-goal with Sebastian Janikowski, the natural inclination was to assume that the furniture in our training complex — specifically the conference tables — had turned against their human overlords. Admittedly, this was a tempting line of reasoning. I’m not going to sit here and pretend we haven’t had our problems with office supplies becoming self-aware — from 1995-1997, I personally waged war against a device known as a “shredder” that would maliciously pulverize important documents into narrow strips of paper whenever the mood would strike. I solved that problem with a silver bullet to the machine’s brain, a course of action that will prove difficult in this case as mahogany conference tables, unlike shredders, do not have brains (they also reproduce asexually.) My question remains: Why Randy Hanson? His stellar work with DeAngelo Hall and Michael Huff aside, Randy isn’t the kind of guy you become sentient just to eliminate. What about me, or Ted or even John Herrera, the man who programmed our computers to feel pain. This bring us to our third misconception…

Misconception No. 3: Lane Kiffin was not directly involved in the attack on Randy Hanson.

FALSE!

Lane Kiffin.

Because of ongoing litigation, I can’t say as much as I would like, but don’t you find it interesting that Lane left the Raiders to coach in the state known for its rich jawbreaking heritage? I mean, he could have gone to a traditional football power like SMU, Army or Cornell. Instead he chose the University of Tennessee, which just so happens to be located in a town called KNOXVILLE. I think you can see what I’m getting at.

Misconception No. 4: The Napa Police Department will roll over for the Raiders.

FALSE!

The brutal, take-no-prisoners approach of the Napa P.D. was famously on display in Paul Schrader’s 1978 film “Vino Vengeance,” where mild-mannered Midwesterner Lester Vino (George C. Scott) teams up with a Napa detective (William Devane) to rescue his daughter (ably played by Tuesday Weld’s daughter, Wednesday) from a depraved band of sommeliers. Even as the town’s preeminent nonagenarian, I am at risk for a taxing investigation that ends with Ted and/or Tom Cable being arrested as he/they attempt to board a moving train.

Misconception No. 5: The Raiders are a team in disarray.

VERY FALSE!

Ha! We’ve got at least six quarterbacks we could give the starting job to. Can any other team in the league say that? Guys like Napoleon Harris are begging to come back to us. Even our punter is making $12 million. Commitment to excellence, baby.

Follow Fake Al on Twitter: VeryFakeAlDavis

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