Seven steps to overexposure

Dear NFL rookies,

On the eve of your first training camp, many of you undoubtedly still have lingering questions about life in the NFL. How will I fit in with my new team? Whom do I trust with my money? And perhaps most importantly, how do I attract my own 24-hour media circus?

Sadly, this last concern is not covered in the NFL’s rookie symposium. Hence the reason for this letter. By following these seven simple steps, you too can reap the benefits of overexposure.

APFreddie Mitchell

1. Be good. Here at the Daily Jolt, we want your media saturation experience to last. But the truth is, you need to at least sporadically perform at a high level. Otherwise, the attention will be fleeting. Case in point: Several years ago, an underachieving wide receiver (let’s call him “Freddie Mitchell”) made several key plays that helped his team advance to the Super Bowl. During the ensuing bye week, he used his newfound celebrity to lob a series of verbal salvos at the opposing team, none of which he was able to back up on the field. His team lost the game, and the wide receiver was quickly out of the NFL. Don’t do what “Freddie” did. Work hard to maintain rudimentary football skills.

2. Engineer a trade to a moribund franchise. Savior status is a beautiful thing. You don’t even have to win anything; just the notion that you could win something is enough to get the ball rolling.

3. Raise concerns about your leadership qualities. This is where guys like Tom Brady and Peyton Manning miss out. Don’t they realize poise and consistency are major turn-offs? A lousy Wonderlic score is a great way to get things started. Up the ante by arriving to camp late and out of shape. And if at all possible, make sure cameras catch you screaming at your position coach at least twice during your rookie season.

4. Stay close to old friends. Too many people, when presented with wealth and success, attempt to carve out a new life for themselves. Do not make this mistake. Re-create life as it was when you were 15. Make sure everyone is kept abreast of all details pertaining to your personal and professional lives. They will need this information to leak to the press.

APTony Romo and Jessica Simpson

5. Date minor celebrities. No media circus is complete without a stringer from US Weekly. Set your sights on reality show contestants and actresses who have played opposite Colin Farrell. We want this to be about you, so avoid other athletes and Academy Award winners. Never acknowledge the relationship, but make sure she shows up to games in your jersey (preferable size: child’s medium).

6. Do not live in a major media market. Seems counterintuitive, I know. Think of yourself as a destination: Make the media come to you. True power is the ability to get people to go to Mississippi in July.

7. Give unfettered access to select media members. With your childhood friends taking care of unauthorized leaks, be sure to have at least one reporter whom you can call on directly. It’s a two-way street: You get favorable coverage and the writer gets to casually mention texting you. Inevitably, coverage of the coverage ensues. Everybody comes out a winner.

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