The CFL season kicked off last night. Ray Gustini gets you ready for the action. Ray Gustini
The CFL season kicked off last night, bringing with it the usual mix of provincialism, watery Canadian beer and really bad uniforms. I can’t wait. Here’s a look at how the eight teams stack up:
EAST DIVISION
Former Tiger-Cats QB Jason Maas
Hamilton Tiger-Cats
2008 record: 3-15
NFL equivalent: Lions. They’ve finished last five years running, and there’s no hope on the horizon. The humiliation extends beyond the playing field: In 2004, the team’s new owner outlawed the beloved “Argos suck!” chant.
Head coach: Marcel Bellefeuille. Allegedly a running-back guru (he helped Robert Edwards revive his career after knee surgery), he’s the latest to try and jumpstart a franchise that peaked during the Bay of Pigs.
Familiar faces: Dexter Manley II.
Distinguished alums: Jeff Tedford, Ron Meeks, Don McPherson.
Beer sponsor: Carling.
Uniform garishness: Not bad at all. Similar to the University of Missouri, although the away white-on-white ensemble is proof you can overdo the whole Tom Wolfe look.
Most Canadian-y tradition: It starts and ends with the punctuation of “Tiger-Cats.” (Additionally: Canadian football verbiage is delightful. Aside from all the usual quirks of British English, side-armers are called sidewinders; the two-minute warning comes at the three-minute mark; Americans are called import players; a CIS player is one who played college ball in Canada. Just splendid.)
Why 2009 is their year: Certainly well-rested after five consecutive last-place finishes.
Why 2009 is not their year: Before the team’s final preseason game, Bellefeuille was quoted saying, “The only thing we know for certain as a coaching staff is that Nick Setta will be our kicker.”
Polite Internet smack talk: “You know how I know the Argos suck…cuz they’re so bad their fans can’t even make fun of us!” – Tigershark, Nov. 10, 2008 (via http://forums.cfl.ca/)
Montreal Alouettes
2008 record: 11-7 (lost in Grey Cup)
NFL equivalent: Ravens. The northernmost CFL city, the original Montreal Alouettes folded in the mid-‘80s. A franchise returned to the city in 1996 when the Grey Cup-champion Baltimore Stallions were displaced by the NFL’s return to Baltimore. Since then, the Alouettes — like the Ravens — have been a model franchise.
Head coach: Marc Trestman. The former Oakland Raiders O-coordinator went to the Grey Cup in his first year in the league using the west coast offense, something no CFL team had ever attempted. The only hope opposing defenses have is that an NFL GM wises up and gives Trestman the head coaching job he’s deserved for more than a decade.
Familiar faces: Chris Leak, Adrian McPherson.
Distinguished alums: Floyd Reese, Peter Warrick, Lawrence Phillips.
Beer sponsor: Labatt’s, despite playing in Percival Molson Memorial Stadium.
The garish Montreal unis
Uniform garishness: Very high. Your prototypical CFL uniform — red, blue, silver, white and (for some reason) black, all working against any semblance of harmony. Factor in a silver helmet with a stylized “A” that’s growling or wearing a suit of armor (or perhaps both), and you’ve got a winner.
Most Canadian-y tradition: Latest in the long line of Montreal sports teams to make a playoff push in front of a half-empty stadium.
Why 2009 is their year: East again projects out as the significantly weaker division. Plus, the players have had another year to digest Trestman’s playbook.
Why 2009 is not their year: Chris Leak and/or Adrian McPherson will be prominently involved.
Polite Internet smack talk: “My fondest wish is to see Calvillo hoisting the Grey Cup in a week's time. I am simply not sanguine about our chances, particularly against Calgary, which has owned us this year.” – disciplineandpunish, Nov. 16, 2008 (via http://forums.cfl.ca/)
Toronto Argonauts
2008 record: 4-14
NFL equivalent: 49ers. The most recognizable CFL team in the States, Toronto has struggled to adjust to the salary cap era. They’re in the biggest market and play in the cavernous Rogers Centre but struggle to draw 30,000 fans. In a city with three other professional teams and a fourth potentially on the way, the Argos just don’t inspire tons of passion.
Head coach: Bart Andrus. The Vince Lombardi of NFL Europe with three World Bowl wins. Entering his first season with the Argos.
Familiar faces: Justin Medlock, Willie Middlebrooks.
Distinguished alums: Doug Flutie, Ricky Williams, Raghib Ismail, Joe Theismann, David Boston, Bethel Johnson, Terry Metcalf, June Jones, J.C. Watts.
Beer sponsor: Steelback.
Uniform garishness: Low. In fact, these are awesome uniforms, a better version of the Tennessee Titans’ colors. One demerit, however, for the stylized “A” clearly lifted from the University of Arizona.
Most Canadian-y tradition: The more-annoying-than-it-sounds “AAARGOS!” chant that permeates home games.
Why 2009 is their year: Slow start by the Bills sets the stage for mass defections...
Why 2009 is not their year: …but would that really help?
Polite Internet smack talk: “What's wrong with 27,000 paying fans? Still more than Montreal, Hamilton and Winnipeg. Weird obsession with Toronto's attendance. It is a competitive sports/entertainment market. Not like Edmonton where the competition is a minor league baseball team and a mall...” – HfxTC, June 3, 2009 (via http://forums.cfl.ca/)
Winnipeg Blue Bombers
2008 record: 8-10
NFL equivalent: Bills. With each passing year, both get a little more desperate to recapture the success of the early ‘90s.
Head coach: Mike Kelly. This guy is just a delight. He hasn’t even coached a game yet and he’s already infuriated Roughriders fans — who, as an online presence, combine the ubiquity of Packer backers with the humorlessness of Jets supporters — by calling Saskatchewan the “crotch of Canada.”
Familiar faces: Ike Charlton, Lenny Walls.
Distinguished alums: Bud Grant, Monte Kiffin, Jim Zorn.
Beer sponsor: Budweiser.
Uniform garishness: Medium. Would benefit from more blue and/or bombs.
Most Canadian-y tradition: Edmonton bashing.
Why 2009 is their year: The first-year bump. Mike Kelly may be a blowhard, but that didn’t stop Eric Mangini from winning 10 games his first season. Anyway, he still seems more reasonable than Mike Singletary.
Why 2009 is not their year: Manitoba’s horse fly population claims to have evolved opposable thumbs. Football will be the least of their concerns.
Polite Internet smack talk: “By Natal Day Bomber fans will be harder to find on forums than a Titanic survivor.” – HfxTC, June 3, 2009 (via http://forums.cfl.ca/)
WEST DIVISION
B.C. Lions
2008 record: 11-7
NFL equivalent: Patriots. Not as dominant, but the Lions are on a similar hot streak after years of irrelevance.
Head coach: Wally Buono. Entering his 19th season as a head coach, Buono is a legend in the CFL coaching ranks. He went to the Grey Cup six times in 13 years as coach of the Stampeders before retiring in 2002, only to be lured back a year later as coach and GM for the perennially awful Lions. So far, it’s been the bizarro world version of Ditka in New Orleans and Gibbs 2.0 — the team has never won fewer than 11 games in a season, taking home the Grey Cup in 2006.
Familiar faces: Jarious Jackson.
Distinguished alums: Doug Flutie, Trent Green, Carl Weathers.
Beer sponsor: Russell.
Uniform garishness: Low. The Oregon State-inspired duds are tragically short on teal, okra and silver.
Most Canadian-y tradition: Their outmoded domed stadium.
Why 2009 is their year: See “head coach.”
Why 2009 is not their year: See “familiar faces.”
Polite Internet smack talk: “Do the Lions still have a team? Based on the forum participation of their fans, I wasn’t sure…” – AriusReturns, March 31, 2009 (via http://forums.cfl.ca/)
Calgary Stampeders
2008 record: 13-5 (won Grey Cup)
NFL equivalent: Colts. Always in the mix.
Head coach: John Hufnagel. The former Giants O-coordinator couldn’t crack the riddle of Eli Manning but seems to have a special feel for the Canadian game.
Familiar faces: Ken-Yon Rambo, Teyo Johnson.
Distinguished alums: Doug Flutie, Jeff Garcia, Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson.
Beer sponsor: Molson.
Uniform garishness: Through the roof. Finally, the retina-singeing red the CFL is famous for!
Most Canadian-y tradition: Team mascot is named “Ralph the Dog” (not to be confused with “Andrew the Cat”).
Why 2009 is their year: Consensus is they have the best team.
Why 2009 is not their year: Sudden in-season rule adjustment allowing four downs could be the undoing of Hufnagel.
Polite Internet smack talk: “We in Rider Nation love to hate Henry Burris. Not because we are shameful or ignorant or unsportsmanlike. We love to hate him because we appreciate the intensity of a great rivalry.” – Thryllin, Nov. 24, 2008 (via http://forums.cfl.ca/)
Edmonton Eskimos
2008 record: 10-8
NFL equivalent: Steelers. A no-brainer. Both teams dominated the competition in the 1970s, with Edmonton winning five consecutive Grey Cups from 1976-81.
Head coach: Richie Hall. Hall enters his first season as coach of the perennially dangerous club. It’s a better gig than it would seem. As a city, Edmonton takes a beating, but they still have a hockey team and, as of this writing, are free of the horse fly menace, putting them at a distinct advantage over places like Winnipeg.
Familiar faces: former Boise State QB Jared Zabransky.
Distinguished alumni: Warren Moon, Bertrand Berry, Mike Sellers, Rod Smart.
Beer sponsor: Molson.
Uniform garishness: Nil. But has anyone ever screwed up green and gold? There’s a reason 78 percent of high schools go with this combination.
Most Canadian-y tradition: All club personnel required to live in igloos. (Note: This might not be true.)
Why 2009 is their year: Hall is one of the most revered defensive minds in Canadian football. Who better to shut down Trestman’s west coast offense?
Why 2009 is not their year: The QB controversy between Zabransky and veteran Ricky Ray threatens to hang over the entire season. Can the oft-injured Ray prove himself capable of running a Statue-of-Liberty-based offense?
Polite Internet smack talk: “I never understood the fascination to dump on Edmonton. Care to explain yourself?” – geroy_simon_081, June 3, 2009 (via http://forums.cfl.ca/)
Saskatchewan Roughriders
2008 record: 12-6.
NFL equivalent: Packers. One of three publicly owned CFL teams, the town of Regina is like a more Canadian version of Green Bay, which is saying something. The fan base is wide-reaching and rabid, with Roughrider talk dominating CFL message boards.
Head coach: Ken Miller. A former baseball coach hastily promoted to the head coaching spot before the 2008 season after Kent Austin quit to run the offense at Ole Miss. Miller seems solid enough, although it will be interesting to see how he fares without longtime D-coordinator Richie Hall, who accepted the top job in Edmonton during the offseason. INTRIGUE!
Familiar faces: Chris McKenzie. That’s right — the Chris McKenzie.
Distinguished alums: Michael Bishop, Norm Chow, Nick Ferguson, Mike Vanderjagt, Paul Spicer.
Beer sponsor: Old Style Pilsner.
Uniform garishness: High. Apparently in Regina, it’s still 1991. Viva Paul Tsongas!
Most Canadian-y tradition: Xenophobia.
Why 2009 is their year: All this CIS-laden roster needs is a little extra incentive. Thank you, Mike Kelly!
Why 2009 is not their year: People like to compare star DE John Chick to Bruce Smith, which is true, to the extent he resembles a Redskins-era Smith running a loop around the O-line to get at the QB.
Polite Internet smack talk: “Anybody that doesn't recognize the talent and ability of one John Chick is not informed and not credible.” – MFOT, June 3, 2009 (via http://www.cflzone.com/forum)
Marc Trestman is a hack. He's done a horrible job being an OC at every pro team he's been with. So happy he is in exile.
Great article! Love to see the CFL in the NFP.
While it may be a bit pedantic correcting an article this funny, here goes.
FIrst, Montreal has sold out steady since they left the Big O, no half empty stands. And at the Big O, almost 70,000 (including myself) showed up to watch the Grey Cup last year. Also, the thing in the A on their helmets is a pissed off Skylark (an Alouette). Somehow, that seems more absurd to me.
Second, watery beer!? This coming from the land where butterfly piss passes for suds...
Third, your "distinguished alums" list has problems. Most of the recent NFL castoffs have been miserably bad and hardly distinguished. We hope to continue reversing the trend by having Cam Wake kick a$$ in Miami.
Finally, it is absolutely true that all Eskimos personnel must live in igloos. They also get around via snowshoes and dogsled.
Did you say watery beer? Have you ever been to Canada??
Ray, brought back some great memories of 1983. With the birth that year of my oldest daughter spent many Saturday nights home watching CFL on ESPN. Saw the likes of Warren Moon, Dieter Brock, and others. Was also the first I heard Paul Maquire announce and have enjoyed hearing him ever since.
The Henry Burris reference in the Stampeders smack talk-not THE Henry Burris who was a 3rd stringer for the Pack in late '90s?
Not a bad article, but Montreal is not the more northern CFL city. I'd think both Edmonton and Calgary are further north. Perhaps a map to become aquainted with Canadian geography?
This is a beautiful article. As a Canadian who loves both leagues, I think you have captured perfectly the slight irony with which Canadians love the CFL.
One issue, though, on the beer sponsorships. Winnipeg's team is called the Blue Bomber because of the iconic Canadian beer brand, Labatt Blue. I know Bud is there sponsor, but surely this deserves some recognition?
Great article - can we expect careful coverage of the playoffs and the Grey Cup?
"Uniform garishness: Not bad at all. Similar to the University of Missouri, although the away white-on-white ensemble is proof you can overdo the whole Tom Wolfe look."
Don't read NFP while drinking, you might lose your beverage.
You're channeling a ride on a bus with "FURTHER" painted on it. It is, however, a very short version... of a very short bus.
as always you nailed it
love your stuff
keep it coming
Vince Lombardi of Europe is really funny, but Bart Andrus actually only had one World Bowl title as a head coach. If there was a Lombardi of Europe it might be Galen Hall, whose asst Bart once was.
this is a joke! this guy clearly doesn't have a clue what he's talking about!
stick to the NFL pal. you suck.
these Alums you state are pathetic. you've missed so many good names it's not even funny!
Who is this putz Ray Gustini? Stick to covering American sports. You know nothing about the outside world. Trouble is your readers, who are as equally unintelligent, beleive what this guy spouts as being the gospel truth? Oh well. Nice try. But a moronic try.
Russ-you really need to take a lighten up pill, eh? I was notified of your comment and had a chance to re-read the article and responses and quite honestly had a very good laugh. As to the missed alums-why please share with us your wealth of information; or are you just a typical blowhard blogger-quite on the put down, slow on the facts?
Congratulations on showing your ignorance, you half-wit journalistic hack. Do some proper research before writing an article. Just a tip: Update your pics. Damon Allen is retired, Jason Maas hasn't played for Hamilton in three years and the Montreal pic is against the folded Ottawa Renegades.
Secondly, not every NFL wash out or former NCAA player has become a star in Canada. Your "distinguished alumn" list is pathetic. David Boston, Bethel Johnson and Ricky Williams did squat in Toronto. They are not "distinguished" just because you know their names. You forgot Andre Rison who had an equally useless stay with the Argos. You are wrong on mostly all accounts, except for the obvious ones such as Warren Moon and Doug Flutie.
Your jokes are lame as well. Wait, do you actually believe people live in igloos in Edmonton? Judging from the rest of your article, I already know the answer to that.
Oxford Blue and Cambridge blue
Pull Together
1873
You call that Journalism...wow....by the way, Labatt’s is not the sponsor of the Mighty Montreal Alouettes...it's MOLSON !
It took you what 1 full day to brose Wikipedia to get this article up...pathetic !
Don't write any CFL stuff because you clearly don't know anything about it !
Nice job. No surprise the Stampeders uniform garishness leads the pack. I describe the away uniform as having a clown collar. After a particularly satisfying win over the hated Eskimos ( or Lions) Jeff Garcia stated "it was the best game ever-played in the worst uniform ever-made".
A few corrections to your obvious lack of CFL knowledge.
Monreal has soldout every game for seasons.
The Argos sylized "A" has been used in one form or another for over 50 years.
Having lived in Winnipeg for over 20 years, have yet to see a horse fly. It is very similar to Minnapolis in terms of environment.
Labatts named a beer after the Blue Bombers called Labatts Blue (look it up).
Mike Sellers played for the Bombers not Eskimos.
You have missed dozens of CFL players and coaches who have done very well in the slower NFL game.
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Caldwell made the decision
Jul 02, 2009
01:12 PM
Fantastic article Ray, thanks. Enjoyed reading the polite smack-talk in a Canadian accent, adding an "eh" and a "so take aff, hoser" to the end.