The Daily Jolt's CFL preview

The CFL season kicked off last night, bringing with it the usual mix of provincialism, watery Canadian beer and really bad uniforms. I can’t wait. Here’s a look at how the eight teams stack up:

EAST DIVISION 

Former Tiger-Cats QB Jason Maas

Hamilton Tiger-Cats
2008 record: 3-15

NFL equivalent: Lions. They’ve finished last five years running, and there’s no hope on the horizon. The humiliation extends beyond the playing field: In 2004, the team’s new owner outlawed the beloved “Argos suck!” chant.

Head coach: Marcel Bellefeuille. Allegedly a running-back guru (he helped Robert Edwards revive his career after knee surgery), he’s the latest to try and jumpstart a franchise that peaked during the Bay of Pigs.

Familiar faces: Dexter Manley II.

Distinguished alums: Jeff Tedford, Ron Meeks, Don McPherson.

Beer sponsor: Carling.

Uniform garishness: Not bad at all. Similar to the University of Missouri, although the away white-on-white ensemble is proof you can overdo the whole Tom Wolfe look.

Most Canadian-y tradition: It starts and ends with the punctuation of “Tiger-Cats.” (Additionally: Canadian football verbiage is delightful. Aside from all the usual quirks of British English, side-armers are called sidewinders; the two-minute warning comes at the three-minute mark; Americans are called import players; a CIS player is one who played college ball in Canada. Just splendid.)

Why 2009 is their year: Certainly well-rested after five consecutive last-place finishes.
 
Why 2009 is not their year: Before the team’s final preseason game, Bellefeuille was quoted saying, “The only thing we know for certain as a coaching staff is that Nick Setta will be our kicker.”

Polite Internet smack talk: “You know how I know the Argos suck…cuz they’re so bad their fans can’t even make fun of us!” – Tigershark, Nov. 10, 2008 (via http://forums.cfl.ca/)


Montreal Alouettes

2008 record: 11-7 (lost in Grey Cup)

NFL equivalent: Ravens. The northernmost CFL city, the original Montreal Alouettes folded in the mid-‘80s. A franchise returned to the city in 1996 when the Grey Cup-champion Baltimore Stallions were displaced by the NFL’s return to Baltimore. Since then, the Alouettes — like the Ravens — have been a model franchise.

Head coach: Marc Trestman. The former Oakland Raiders O-coordinator went to the Grey Cup in his first year in the league using the west coast offense, something no CFL team had ever attempted. The only hope opposing defenses have is that an NFL GM wises up and gives Trestman the head coaching job he’s deserved for more than a decade.

Familiar faces: Chris Leak, Adrian McPherson.

Distinguished alums: Floyd Reese, Peter Warrick, Lawrence Phillips.

Beer sponsor: Labatt’s, despite playing in Percival Molson Memorial Stadium.
 

The garish Montreal unis

Uniform garishness: Very high. Your prototypical CFL uniform — red, blue, silver, white and (for some reason) black, all working against any semblance of harmony. Factor in a silver helmet with a stylized “A” that’s growling or wearing a suit of armor (or perhaps both), and you’ve got a winner.

Most Canadian-y tradition: Latest in the long line of Montreal sports teams to make a playoff push in front of a half-empty stadium.

Why 2009 is their year: East again projects out as the significantly weaker division. Plus, the players have had another year to digest Trestman’s playbook.

Why 2009 is not their year: Chris Leak and/or Adrian McPherson will be prominently involved.

Polite Internet smack talk: “My fondest wish is to see Calvillo hoisting the Grey Cup in a week's time. I am simply not sanguine about our chances, particularly against Calgary, which has owned us this year.” – disciplineandpunish, Nov. 16, 2008 (via http://forums.cfl.ca/)

Toronto Argonauts

2008 record: 4-14

NFL equivalent: 49ers. The most recognizable CFL team in the States, Toronto has struggled to adjust to the salary cap era. They’re in the biggest market and play in the cavernous Rogers Centre but struggle to draw 30,000 fans. In a city with three other professional teams and a fourth potentially on the way, the Argos just don’t inspire tons of passion.

Head coach: Bart Andrus. The Vince Lombardi of NFL Europe with three World Bowl wins. Entering his first season with the Argos.

Familiar faces: Justin Medlock, Willie Middlebrooks.

Distinguished alums: Doug Flutie, Ricky Williams, Raghib Ismail, Joe Theismann, David Boston, Bethel Johnson, Terry Metcalf, June Jones, J.C. Watts.

Beer sponsor: Steelback.

Uniform garishness: Low. In fact, these are awesome uniforms, a better version of the Tennessee Titans’ colors. One demerit, however, for the stylized “A” clearly lifted from the University of Arizona.

Most Canadian-y tradition: The more-annoying-than-it-sounds “AAARGOS!” chant that permeates home games.

Why 2009 is their year: Slow start by the Bills sets the stage for mass defections...

Why 2009 is not their year: …but would that really help?

Polite Internet smack talk: “What's wrong with 27,000 paying fans? Still more than Montreal, Hamilton and Winnipeg. Weird obsession with Toronto's attendance. It is a competitive sports/entertainment market. Not like Edmonton where the competition is a minor league baseball team and a mall...” – HfxTC, June 3, 2009 (via http://forums.cfl.ca/)


Winnipeg Blue Bombers

2008 record: 8-10

NFL equivalent: Bills. With each passing year, both get a little more desperate to recapture the success of the early ‘90s.

Head coach: Mike Kelly. This guy is just a delight. He hasn’t even coached a game yet and he’s already infuriated Roughriders fans — who, as an online presence, combine the ubiquity of Packer backers with the humorlessness of Jets supporters — by calling Saskatchewan the “crotch of Canada.”

Familiar faces: Ike Charlton, Lenny Walls.

Distinguished alums: Bud Grant, Monte Kiffin, Jim Zorn.

Beer sponsor: Budweiser.

Uniform garishness: Medium. Would benefit from more blue and/or bombs.

Most Canadian-y tradition: Edmonton bashing.

Why 2009 is their year: The first-year bump. Mike Kelly may be a blowhard, but that didn’t stop Eric Mangini from winning 10 games his first season. Anyway, he still seems more reasonable than Mike Singletary.

Why 2009 is not their year: Manitoba’s horse fly population claims to have evolved opposable thumbs. Football will be the least of their concerns.

Polite Internet smack talk: “By Natal Day Bomber fans will be harder to find on forums than a Titanic survivor.” – HfxTC, June 3, 2009 (via http://forums.cfl.ca/)

WEST DIVISION

B.C. Lions
2008 record: 11-7

NFL equivalent: Patriots. Not as dominant, but the Lions are on a similar hot streak after years of irrelevance.
 

Head coach: Wally Buono. Entering his 19th season as a head coach, Buono is a legend in the CFL coaching ranks. He went to the Grey Cup six times in 13 years as coach of the Stampeders before retiring in 2002, only to be lured back a year later as coach and GM for the perennially awful Lions. So far, it’s been the bizarro world version of Ditka in New Orleans and Gibbs 2.0 — the team has never won fewer than 11 games in a season, taking home the Grey Cup in 2006.

Familiar faces: Jarious Jackson.

Distinguished alums: Doug Flutie, Trent Green, Carl Weathers.

Beer sponsor: Russell.   

Uniform garishness: Low. The Oregon State-inspired duds are tragically short on teal, okra and silver.

Most Canadian-y tradition: Their outmoded domed stadium.

Why 2009 is their year: See “head coach.”

Why 2009 is not their year: See “familiar faces.”

Polite Internet smack talk: “Do the Lions still have a team? Based on the forum participation of their fans, I wasn’t sure…” – AriusReturns, March 31, 2009 (via http://forums.cfl.ca/)

Calgary Stampeders

2008 record: 13-5 (won Grey Cup)

NFL equivalent: Colts. Always in the mix.

Head coach: John Hufnagel. The former Giants O-coordinator couldn’t crack the riddle of Eli Manning but seems to have a special feel for the Canadian game.

Familiar faces: Ken-Yon Rambo, Teyo Johnson.

Distinguished alums: Doug Flutie, Jeff Garcia, Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson.

Beer sponsor: Molson.

Uniform garishness: Through the roof. Finally, the retina-singeing red the CFL is famous for!

Most Canadian-y tradition: Team mascot is named “Ralph the Dog” (not to be confused with “Andrew the Cat”).

Why 2009 is their year: Consensus is they have the best team.

Why 2009 is not their year: Sudden in-season rule adjustment allowing four downs could be the undoing of Hufnagel.

Polite Internet smack talk: “We in Rider Nation love to hate Henry Burris. Not because we are shameful or ignorant or unsportsmanlike. We love to hate him because we appreciate the intensity of a great rivalry.” – Thryllin, Nov. 24, 2008 (via http://forums.cfl.ca/)


Edmonton Eskimos

2008 record: 10-8

NFL equivalent: Steelers. A no-brainer. Both teams dominated the competition in the 1970s, with Edmonton winning five consecutive Grey Cups from 1976-81.

Head coach: Richie Hall. Hall enters his first season as coach of the perennially dangerous club. It’s a better gig than it would seem. As a city, Edmonton takes a beating, but they still have a hockey team and, as of this writing, are free of the horse fly menace, putting them at a distinct advantage over places like Winnipeg.

Familiar faces: former Boise State QB Jared Zabransky.

Distinguished alumni: Warren Moon, Bertrand Berry, Mike Sellers, Rod Smart.

Beer sponsor: Molson.

Uniform garishness: Nil. But has anyone ever screwed up green and gold? There’s a reason 78 percent of high schools go with this combination.

Most Canadian-y tradition: All club personnel required to live in igloos. (Note: This might not be true.)

Why 2009 is their year: Hall is one of the most revered defensive minds in Canadian football. Who better to shut down Trestman’s west coast offense?

Why 2009 is not their year: The QB controversy between Zabransky and veteran Ricky Ray threatens to hang over the entire season. Can the oft-injured Ray prove himself capable of running a Statue-of-Liberty-based offense?  

Polite Internet smack talk: “I never understood the fascination to dump on Edmonton. Care to explain yourself?” – geroy_simon_081, June 3, 2009 (via http://forums.cfl.ca/)

Saskatchewan Roughriders

2008 record: 12-6.

NFL equivalent: Packers. One of three publicly owned CFL teams, the town of Regina is like a more Canadian version of Green Bay, which is saying something. The fan base is wide-reaching and rabid, with Roughrider talk dominating CFL message boards.

Head coach: Ken Miller. A former baseball coach hastily promoted to the head coaching spot before the 2008 season after Kent Austin quit to run the offense at Ole Miss. Miller seems solid enough, although it will be interesting to see how he fares without longtime D-coordinator Richie Hall, who accepted the top job in Edmonton during the offseason. INTRIGUE!

Familiar faces: Chris McKenzie. That’s right — the Chris McKenzie.

Distinguished alums: Michael Bishop, Norm Chow, Nick Ferguson, Mike Vanderjagt, Paul Spicer.

Beer sponsor: Old Style Pilsner.

Uniform garishness: High. Apparently in Regina, it’s still 1991. Viva Paul Tsongas! 

Most Canadian-y tradition: Xenophobia.

Why 2009 is their year: All this CIS-laden roster needs is a little extra incentive. Thank you, Mike Kelly!

Why 2009 is not their year: People like to compare star DE John Chick to Bruce Smith, which is true, to the extent he resembles a Redskins-era Smith running a loop around the O-line to get at the QB.

Polite Internet smack talk: “Anybody that doesn't recognize the talent and ability of one John Chick is not informed and not credible.” – MFOT, June 3, 2009 (via http://www.cflzone.com/forum) 

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