The Daily Jolt's Week 12 picks

I’m writing this intro on Wednesday, a little less than 24 hours before the first Thanksgiving game kicks off. I have no idea what’s going to happen, but predict it will be explained using poultry metaphors.

Last week: 10-6
This week: 2-1
Year to date: 88-76-1

Murder Incorporated Mismatch of the Week

Indianapolis (-3½) over HOUSTON
It’s nice that the Texans only wear those red jerseys for nationally televised games in which they plan on being embarrassed. It spells out the trajectory of the game ahead of time. I’d expect nothing less from a city that speaks to America’s inability to enforce practical zoning limits. (To be fair, Reliant Stadium is marvelous, an essential experience for anyone yearning to see pro football in an international airport.)

The Max Fisher “Tell That Stupid Mick He Just Made My List Of Things To Do Today” Rivalry Game of the Week

Cleveland (+14) over CINCINATTI
Four out of five local newscasters agree: Deep-frying a turkey is the most dangerous activity a person can participate in. The result will be either delicious or violent. In other words, a win win. Tweaked-out hicks of the southland, your country needs you.

The Sideshow Raheem Game of the Week

Tampa (+12½) over ATLANTA
Sideshow Raheem is the second greatest one-shot character in Simpsons history (behind only the radioactive ape Homer set loose in Flanders’ house), and he’ll almost certainly experience an uptick in popularity as people try to piece together the sequence of events that led Raheem Morris and Mark Domenik to fire two handpicked high-profile coordinators in the middle of the season (or preseason, in the case of Jeff Jagodzinski). I actually like Morris (and new offensive coordinator Greg Olson) and remain hopeful they’ll do the selfless thing and give Josh Freeman the “Gone Baby Gone” treatment. That guy deserves better than playing for a family of absentee soccer hooligans.

AP"You can't tell me what to do. You're not my real Kerry Collins."

The Marty Feldman “Could Be Worse, Could Be Raining” Game of the Week

PHILADELPHIA (-9½) over Washington
It’s worth noting that the Redskins’ offense has improved demonstrably since hiring that 65-year-old bingo caller to call plays. This isn’t to say it’s good, but it’s certainly less bad. Jason Campbell is going to make a great Kerry Collins some day.

The “I’d Like Half My Winnings In Cash, And Half In Suitcases To Carry The Cash” Easy Money Game of the Week

ST. LOUIS (+3) over Seattle
The Edward Jones Dome has edged out SkyDome as the dreariest location for a televised sporting event. Mow your Field Turf.

The Homer Simpson “I’ve Seen Plays That Were More Exciting Than This…Honest To God, PLAYS!” anti-Game of the Week

Carolina (+3) over NEW YORK JETS
We’re nearing the end of the line for Y’nak, the feared Giants Stadium wind demon who also enjoys feasting on poorly behaved Dutch children. He’ll be joining NBC’s Sunday night football team as murdering hellbeast at-large.

The “This Time…Advantage Varnsen!” Revenge Game of the Week

BALTIMORE (-2½) over Pittsburgh
Random part of college I miss: the freedom to adorn your walls with nonsensical bric-a-brac. I had a “Kwame Brown for City Council” campaign poster over my desk for four years. Now I have a framed vintage Guinness advertisement. It’s understated and adult and I hate it like poison. Anyone in college who hasn’t yet gotten to work on a “If someone takes your pants, you take theirs” should consider handing in their drinking shoes and hangover belt. (Note: does not apply if your roommate is Tatum Bell.)

Omar Little All In The Game Game of the Week

New England (+3) over NEW ORLEANS
“No Country For Old Men” taught us that even in a contest between man and steer the result is far from certain. But this isn’t a contest between man and steer — it’s a contest between cornerback-with-exploding-kneecaps and Wes Welker.

The rest
Miami (-3) over BUFFALO
TENNESSEE (-2) over Arizona
SAN DIEGO (-13½) over Kansas City
Jacksonville (+3) over SAN FRANCISCO
MINNESOTA (-11) over Chicago

Follow me on Twitter: RayGustini

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