The Daily Jolt's Week 3 picks

I went 7-9 last week, a distinct improvement over my 5-11 mark for Week 1. .500 here I come!

Last Week: 7-9

Year to Date: 12-20

The “This Time…Advantage Varnsen!” Revenge Game of the Week

New Orleans (-6) over BUFFALO

Oh man, do they hate Gregg Williams in Buffalo. It’s the exact opposite in D.C., where a subset of the population still considers him the rightful heir to Joe Gibbs and makes a point of referring to him as “Washington Redskins head coach Gregg Williams,” like he’s a king in exile or something. It’s really a shame sports blogs weren’t around in their current form when Williams coached the Bills. Buffalo had it all — scurrilous personal rumors, backbiting assistant coaches, oppressive small-market sports talk radio. A perfect revenge opportunity that would be made even sweeter if Tom Donahoe or Rob Johnson suited up.

The Dick Curl Bumblebee Nickel Game of the Week

Green Bay (-6½) over ST. LOUIS

APThe mysterious Dick Curl, back when he had the ear of Herm Edwards.

Is there a less encouraging sight than Dick Curl excitedly imparting information to an overwhelmed head coach trying to make a crucial strategic decision? He’s like a two-minute drill saboteur. Lost in the Jim Zorn bashing this week after the Rams-Redskins game was a vintage piece of Dick Curl gamesmanship at the 9:25 mark in the fourth quarter with the Rams down 9-7 and facing 4th-and-2 on the Washington 41. Now, what would someone who is not Dick Curl recommend in this situation? Send the offense back out and go for it? Attempt the long field goal? Solid choices, but lacking in the Curl touch. Wouldn’t it be better to call a timeout after an incompletion, line up in a fake punt formation with an eye toward drawing Washington offside, only to have one of your guys commit a false start at the last second, killing any chance for a field goal or manageable fourth-down conversion? Brilliant. I’m interested in who else Steve Spagnuolo considered for the clock wrangler job before settling on Curl. There were people in the McKinley administration with a better sense of when to take a timeout.

Game of the Week That Will Subsequently Be Used To Defend Seattle’s Decision To Mortgage The Future And Trade Up For Jake Locker

Chicago (-2) over SEATTLE

Seneca Wallace’s struggles have basically led Matt Hasselbeck to declare that he’s committed to playing Sunday as long as there’s no more than three inches of bone protruding from his ribcage at kickoff. This will be a disaster for all the reasons you’d expect. It will spawn a second, more insidious, disaster wherein the local team without any viable options breaks the bank bringing in a local phenom. Enter Jake Locker, the University of Washington quarterback people now think is better than Sam Bradford for some reasons they've decided to keep to themselves. It’ll be the first in a series of house-cleaning moves to remake the club according to coach Jim Mora’s vision, including dropping the name Seattle Seahawks in favor of University of Washington Huskies.

The Brad Childress Predictable Stumbling Block Game of the Week

San Francisco (+7) over MINNESOTA

A must-see for fans of choppy, low-scoring football. On the bright side, it was never in danger of a blackout, which has to count for something. Incidentally, this line seems like a major stretch. What makes the Vikings four points better than the 49ers (subtracting the requisite three points for home field)? In their first two games, they let two of the worst teams in the league hang around well into the third quarter. Brett Favre is a non-factor and the secondary can’t cover, despite what those Antoine Winfield puff pieces would have you believe. Minnesota should be a four-point favorite at most.

The Jake Gittes Game of the Week Involving Stolen Water

BALTIMORE (-13.5) over Cleveland

More alarming than the fact Eric Mangini handed down a $1,701 fine to a player who removed a $3 bottle of water from his hotel room is that the head coach of the Cleveland Browns lacks the most rudimentary understanding of how a hotel functions. You don't have to wander the halls with money in your hand looking for someone to give you permission to have a snack. You take the things you want and you pay for them later. It's this amazing new thing called credit. If there's one less Dasani bottle in the fridge when a guest checks out, another charge is added to the bill. I just don't understand what scheme Mangini thinks he busted up. He's like Navin Johnson when he thought he found the guys who stole Mrs. Nussbaum's credit card. It's going to be a fun year in Cleveland. Mangini hates these cans!

The Max Fisher “Tell That Stupid Mick He Just Made My List Of Things To Do Today” Rivalry Game of the Week

Pittsburgh (-4) over CINCINATTI

As long as Hines Ward continues to publicly ridicule the Hines Ward Rule, the Steelers are the pick. On a side note, this would probably be a good weekend to activate Rashard Mendenhall. I think we've come to the end of the line for Ineffectual Willie Parker.

The Homer Simpson “I’ve Seen Plays That Were More Exciting Than This…Honest To God, PLAYS!” anti-Game of the Week

Denver (+2) over OAKLAND

APAgainst all odds, JaMarcus Russell has somehow gotten worse.

Here’s what I don’t understand about JaMarcus Russell: He’s never been good, but he’s posted a few stretches that put him fairly comfortably in the below-average-to-middling neighborhood (13 TDs, 8 INTs, 53.8-percent completion rate, 77.1 QB rating in 2008). How do you go from that to two games near-historic ineptitude? Moreover, how do you do it during an off season where the rest of the team has improved significantly? I'm never seen a man throw so many passes in the direction of invisible ten-foot tall receivers. It's like he thinks he's the lead in one of those Disney movies where good things happen if you just believe. There’s a Malcolm Gladwell book in this, or maybe just an extensively edited episode of “NFL Yearbook.”

The “I’d Like Half My Winnings In Cash And Half In Suitcases To Carry The Cash” Easy Money Game of the Week

New York Giants (-6½) over TAMPA

As we all know, Eli Manning doesn’t lose in the warm weather, save for his entire career at Ole Miss. Tampa’s offensive numbers are gaudy and there are a lot of people who will tell you the Bucs played Dallas and Buffalo closer than the final scores would indicate. This is the most compelling reason I’ve heard to go heavily against the Bucs for the foreseeable future — they can score and they’re better than people realize, to the point that their opponents are padding leads late to be on the safe side. It’s like the game plan is designed to ensure a bad beat.

Game of the Week Featuring Two Coaches Who Have, Respectively, Graduated From Georgetown With A Degree In Economics And Threatened To Bench A 75-Year-Old Man On Live Radio.

Washington (-6½) over DETROIT

The Lions are a painfully trendy pick this week, but I don’t see where Detroit’s points are going to come from. Carlos Rogers did a good job bottling Calvin Johnson last year and it’s not like anybody has been able to run on the Redskins this season. The Zorn/Schwartz coaching mismatch would be a lot more worrisome if Zorn hadn’t just spent a week pledging to reduce the aggressive stupidity in his game planning. Would a win ease the hard feelings in D.C.? Of course. Here’s the thing — the boos at the Rams game didn’t have anything to do with Robert Henson or Mike Sellers or Devin Thomas. It was for two men — Vinny Cerrato and Dan Snyder — who brought cynicism to a love that was once unadorned and true. Washington doesn’t want to worry about the Redskins — we want them taken care of because they take care of us. They're the closest thing the region has to an enchanted object. It's like watching Gatsby's green light every Sunday. That’s what made Joe Gibbs’ return so special to everyone in town under the age of 25. For those of us born too late for Doug Williams and Mark Rypien but right on time for Norv Turner and Heath Shuler, Gibbs 2.0 showed that it wasn’t crazy to think being a Redskin meant more than being a Panther or a Cardinal or a Jaguar. It did and it does. And that’s what makes the Snyder/Cerrato regime so frustrating. This man sums it up nicely: “I’m not booing Justin Tryon. He’s trying hard. I’m booing the fact that he plays for us.” (But hey, at least Shaun Suisham is hitting field goals this year.)

Game of the Week That Will Call Into Question The Wisdom Of Hiring Todd Haley Straight From The “1941” Editing Room.

PHILADELPHIA (-9½) over Kansas City

Good grief, is Todd Haley a mess. I’ve argued on more than one occasion that’s he a prime candidate to be one-and-done in Kansas City and nothing I’ve seen has convinced me otherwise. There’s something dangerous and unhinged about Haley’s incompetent handling of the simplest tasks, like finding an assistant coach on the sideline. It’s like “The Herm Edwards Story” as directed by Costa Gavras.

The Jamie Dukes “Why Didn’t The Titans Draft Limas Sweed?” Game of the Week

Tennessee (+2½) over NEW YORK JETS

APChris Johnson is the Star Baby.

The highest compliment I can give Chris Johnson is that as I watched him run wild on the Texans last week, I started to get that aching “Please don’t let him get hurt” sensation in the pit of my stomach. I’m not entirely sure I’ve seen anybody on a football field move like Chris Johnson. The Marshall Faulk comparisons just don’t do him justice. His game may be the closest we ever get to Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson. I won’t even concede the point that Adrian Peterson is the better back. It’s a mistake to think we’re comparing apples to apples. Peterson is the best of the best of the known world — he’s Heywood Floyd in “2001.” But Johnson’s the Star Baby. We can’t even appreciate him yet, which I assume is why the universe allows LenDale White to get so many of his touchdowns. There’s no win in this for Rex Ryan. By shutting him down, you’re only saving him from himself.

Omar Little All In The Game Game of the Week

Indianapolis (+2½) over ARIZONA

A ridiculously enjoyable game, even if you’ve already written off the Cardinals. I severely underrated the new-look Colts coming into the season, but they’re clearly the second best AFC team after the Ravens. They’re certainly a lot easier to like without Dungy, which is unfair, but also the truth. There’s a ruthlessness to new coach Jim Caldwell that’s sort of gone under the radar in the media but has clearly invigorated the team. Busting out the long knives for Ron Meeks, saying no thanks to a Marvin Harrison victory lap, bringing in competition to push Joe Addai — it’s made the Colts scary again. That’s what they gave up under Dungy and it won them a Super Bowl. Good deal. Peyton Manning was great — even transcendent — during these years, but you never felt like he was being unreasonable. There was something sporting about it all — he couldn’t be stopped but at least he made it seem like you had some choice in the matter. You could negotiate him down to play the game at the speed of mortals. Those days are over. It’s like the Jim Mora era but with more talent and fewer frayed emotional wires. This is the first Colts team in a decade you can’t bargain with — they don’t care that you’ve never heard of Pierre Garcon or Austin Collie. Those are the people he’s chosen to beat you with. It’s not up to you anymore.

The Rest:

NEW ENGLAND (-4) over Atlanta

HOUSTON (-4) over Jacksonville

DALLAS (-9) over Carolina

SAN DIEGO (-6) over Miami

Follow me on Twitter: RayGustini

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