The Daily Jolt's Week 7 picks

I hate Week 7. Week 7 makes me think about Week 8, which makes me think about how the NFL is halfway done. This is not something I like to think about.

Last week: 6-8
Year to date: 46-46

The Kent Brockman “The Phony Pope Can Be Identified By His High Top Sneakers, And Incredibly Foul Mouth” Pretender Game of the Week
HOUSTON (-3) over San Francisco
Girls in Ryan Adams songs are less flighty and unpredictable than the Texans. That being said, Matt Schaub has been nothing less than superb as a fantasy QB this year, to the point that I sometimes have to watch him throw a pass to remind myself that he’s not actually any good.

The Donna Haraway Game of the Week Featuring A Cyborg Quarterback
New Orleans (-6½) over MIAMI
Best part about this game? The “What if the Dolphins signed Drew Brees in 2006?” hypothetical. Armando Salguero of the Miami Herald wrote about the whole saga in some depth earlier this week. Apparently, Nick Saban was sold on Brees, but the team either low-balled Brees or didn’t even make an offer after a six-hour examination of his surgically repaired shoulder. Brees went to the Saints and the Dolphins ended up trading for Daunte Culpepper, who was coming off knee surgery himself.

It’s easy — and fun — to skewer the Dolphins for this decision. But things were different in 2006. Parents maced children in public. Doctors chain-smoked opium during prostate exams. The average American belonged to four organization that could derail a future Supreme Court nomination. It was a good time to be alive, unless you were Drew Brees. It wasn’t just the Dolphins who were terrified by his shoulder; 30 other teams were staying away, too. When the Saints gave him a six-year, $60-million contract, there was a sense the team overpaid, a necessary concession when you’re trying to sell free agents (even ones coming off major injuries) on a town that was still largely under water. Culpepper was seen the lower-risk option, to the point that even after signing Brees, mock drafts had the team selecting Matt Leinart with the No. 2 pick in the draft. It wasn’t just the Dolphins — everyone got it wrong on Brees. Now everyone’s paying for it. There was no trade that needed to be worked out -- he was an unrestricted free agent. Any team with the cap room and the inclination could have made him The Guy. Now all they have is scorched earth.

The O’Norval Factor Game of the Week
San Diego (-4½) over KANSAS CITY
Norv Turner doesn’t lose this game. There’s a reason he’s lasted 12 years as an NFL coach. Nobody knows more about steering an underachieving team to the periphery of contention. Mr. Turner, this is your opus.

The Homer Simpson “I’ve Seen Plays That Were More Exciting Than This…Honest To God, PLAYS!” anti-Game of the Week
Buffalo (+7) over CAROLINA

APA man from Harvard, a school not known for gentlemanly club life

Did you know Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard? It’s true. This should be mentioned more often. It’s an inherently funny premise — a football player from Harvard. What’s next, a lawyer from the University of Michigan?

(As anyone who attended a high school with a half-decent lacrosse program will tell you, Ivy League athletes are far from mental giants. They’re not Michael Oher, but they’re also not rushing home from practice to read Derrida, despite what Gregg Easterbrook would have you believe. They’re just a bunch of tall kids who scored 1300 on the SATs.)

Game of the Week For Those Interested In How Prince Philip and MI6 Will Dispatch With Malcolm Glazer
New England (-14½) over Tampa Bay
It’s impossible to overstate how much the English hate the Glazer family for buying Manchester United. As insane English provincialism goes, this is on the more reasonable side. Who’s to say the spendthrift philosophy of Mark Domenik won’t be shipped overseas? The Glazers clearly like to make money. There’s nothing wrong with that. But people who like to make money also like to make lots and lots of money. Hence the appeal of the Man U mint.

The “I’d Like Half My Winnings In Cash, And Half In Suitcases To Carry The Cash” Easy Money Game of the Week
Green Bay (-7½) over CLEVELAND
The only downside to yesterday’s Discomfort Zone was Jeff Bercovici’s brain breaking at the thought of his bête noir Matt Taibbi writing about the Browns for Rolling Stone. We’re going to have to do a follow-up that’s nothing but the two of us pitching Matt Taibbi lines to each other for 45 minutes. I predict lots of jokes where people’s faces are described in unnecessary detail.

(Also, for those of you wondering, here's the link to Jeff's blog on the Packers.)

The I Am Become JaMarcus Game of the Week
OAKLAND (+6½) over New York Jets
The Jets and Raiders met last year in Oakland for what was without a doubt the worst game of the 2008 season, with the Raiders somehow winning in OT. Factor in Mark Sanchez’s struggles and the early positive returns on Al Davis’ unholy alliance with the Bay Area’s pigeon population, and history has a chance to repeat itself.

The Mosquito Coast Game of the Week
Atlanta (+4) over DALLAS
The set of “Aguirre, the Wrath of God” had less tension than the 2009 Dallas Cowboys. It shouldn’t come as a surprise — if overlong, heavy-handed movies have taught us anything, it’s that wildly impractical construction projects cause people to go insane. The only suspense is who gets the first bowling pin beating.

The Max Fisher “Tell That Stupid Mick He Just Made My List Of Things To Do Today” Rivalry Game of the Week
Philadelphia (-7) over WASHINGTON
FedEx Field is going to be apocalyptic and scary Monday night, like a science fiction writer from 1971’s vision of life in 1997. The influx of Eagles fans certainly won’t help. Hope that moat around the owner’s box is coming along, Danny.

Omar Little All In The Game Game of the Week
PITTSBURGH (-4) over Minnesota
There should be a way to block Brad Childress from claiming Mike Tomlin as part of his coaching tree. Maybe Tony Dungy can put in some sort of eminent domain claim on Tomlin’s legacy. Better be safe and have Andy Reid do the same thing for Leslie Frazier.

The rest:
Chicago (+1½) over CINCINATTI
Arizona (+7) over NEW YORK GIANTS
Indianapolis (-13) over ST. LOUIS

Follow me on Twitter: RayGustini

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