The Daily Jolt's Week 9 Picks

Inexplicable and frankly indefensible picks of the Raiders and Browns over the past two weeks kept me from replicating my 2008 record after eight weeks. As somebody who enjoys random symmetry, this is a disappointment. Let it be a lesson to all of you: Do not allow a stranger on the Internet to goad you into aggressively stupid behavior.

(Note: does not apply to advice regarding Web cams and which of your credit card numbers are lucky. People on the Internet can be trusted on these matters.)

Last week: 6-7
Year to date: 61-56-1

The Seattle Kingdome Controlled Implosion Game of the Week
INDIANAPOLIS (-9) over Houston
This feels like the annual game where Matt Schaub registers -10 fantasy points and Houston loses 35-0. (Late-breaking mitigating factor: A cornerback you’ve never heard of from the Colts tore his ACL. Peter King calls this a huge loss and ESPN agrees, as it will undoubtedly sadden Bob Sanders, who was scheduled to start at all five secondary positions and re-cure polio at some point in the second quarter.)

APMaurice Jones-Drew, likely after a bubble screen.

The “I’d Like Half My Winnings In Cash, And Half In Suitcases To Carry The Cash” Easy Money Game of the Week
JACKSONVILLE (-6½) over Kansas City
Jacksonville, Houston and Tennessee made a gentlemen’s agreement before the season to only score on bubble screens of 60 yards or more to Maurice Jones-Drew, Steve Slaton and Chris Johnson. This is one of those plays that teams should consider defending. It will not happen this week, as Clancy Pendergast continues to experiment with his controversial theory that the rewards of a 12-man blitz outweigh the potential for a penalty call.

The Homer Simpson “I’ve Seen Plays That Were More Exciting Than This…Honest To God, PLAYS!” anti-Game of the Week
SEATTLE (-10) over Detroit
Michael Lombardi admitted Thursday that he rarely thinks about the Seahawks, and not a single Seattle fan went to the comments to complain about east coast bias. Not one! Were they afraid it would hurt their ability to cause false starts Sunday? Because that’s mainly the result of the stadium design. I SCOFF AT YOUR 12TH MAN.

The RIAA/Shawn Fanning 1998 Rivalry Game of the Week
Green Bay (-10) over TAMPA BAY
Brilliant move by the Glazers bringing back the Creamsicle jerseys five years after the height of the throwback fad. Mike Alstott, Derrick Brooks and Warren Sapp had neither the national nor local profile to encourage sales. Thank god they re-signed America’s sweetheart, Jerramy Stevens.

Game of the Week That Will Not, In Fact, Contain Actual Comeuppance
Arizona (+3) over CHICAGO
One of the people who talks football 27 hours a day on ESPN said Cutler is due for comeuppance this week, apparently under the impression the Broncos enjoy most favored nation status with the Cardinals. It’s just another Bears game where every sack allowed by Orlando Pace and lousy play call from Ron Turner prove that Jay Cutler is literally turning into Jeff George. This doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, especially not now when Cutler is so clearly turning into Michael Biehn, right down to the part where Mike Shanahan refuses to cast him in a movie about blue aliens. Warner is the same guy he’s always been, which is to say, Cornelius Talmadge.

Murder Incorporated Mismatch of the Week
NEW ORLEANS (-13½) over Carolina
ESPN.com’s Madden game simulator is hypnotic and useless, to the extent multiple readings are needed to confirm the lack of a point to be missed. It’s the definitive NFL preview for French post-Structuralists, right alongside Mike Martz’s segments with Julia Kristeva on “The NFL Head Coaches.”

The Anton Chekhov Bad Bet of the Week
ATLANTA (-10) over Washington
Combine the short work week with an awful offensive line and ineffective pass rush (headed by John Abraham, currently shrinking at a rate befitting a much older man), and the Falcons certainly seem ill-equipped to cover a 10-point spread, an argument that frankly underestimates the degree to which Washington’s player procurement process is influenced by the agent of chaos occupying the earthly body of Dan Snyder. Even John Riggins is impressed by their commitment to darkness and despair. It’s not enough to build an offense that doesn’t function — $25-million man Antwaan Randle-El has emerged as the league’s pre-eminent free-catch threat. This team has a lot of ways to not beat people, a number it will likely expand on following the late-breaking injury to punter and rushing touchdown leader Hunter Smith. (Regarding the Snyder/Riggins fracas: I’m apparently the only media member anywhere close to a national stage who doesn’t think Riggo is guilty of the heinous crime of Going Too Far. Then again, I've never been the kind to sympathize with silent-movie villains.)

The Max Fisher “Tell That Stupid Mick He Just Made My List Of Things To Do Today” Rivalry Game of the Week
Miami (+10½) over NEW ENGLAND
Laurence Maroney remains the second most dominant college football player I’ve seen in person, a sentiment that never fails to betray a childhood full of Saturdays spent watching Maryland games in half-empty Byrd Stadium. The first was Brett Basan

APBask in the scary goodness of Sean Smith.

az, the former Northwestern quarterback I now concede offers less upside than Jay Cutler. The Dolphins are the pick, as they feature CB Sean Smith, who has proved definitively that 6-4 cornerbacks with 4.44 speed and the ability to deliver sledgehammer hits should not last 60 picks.

Omar Little All In The Game Game of the Week
PHILADELPHIA (-3) over Dallas
Top reason the Cowboys won’t suspend Roy Williams: Open roster spot means another visit from Jim Garrett and one of his 6-9 developmental wide receivers who has never successfully caught a football. His sons took him up on exactly zero of his 5,000 suggestions on “Hard Knocks” last summer. Nobody likes to disappoint their parents, especially ones who are 3-feet tall and sound like William Hickey.

The rest:
Pittsburgh (-3) over DENVER
CINCINATTI (+3) over Baltimore
NEW YORK GIANTS (-5) over San Diego
Tennessee (+4) over SAN FRANCISCO

Follow me on Twitter: RayGustini

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