The Daily Jolt's Week 2 picks

I can’t assure you these picks will be any better than the ones I went 5-11 with last week. They feel better, although that just could be because I resurrected the game intros, an old feature I hope will give you some insight into just how confident I am in my own bad advice. To the lines:

Last week: 5-11

Year to date: 5-11

The Homer Simpson “I’ve Seen Plays That Were More Exciting Than This…Honest To God, PLAYS!” Anti-Game of the Week

Tampa (+5) over BUFFALO

Here’s what I don’t understand about the whole Leodis McKelvin lawn defacement brouhaha: How does everyone in Buffalo know where these Bills players live? I realize Buffalo is a small town, but it’s not exactly Push, Nev. Does every new player just have a Lo-Jack affixed to his ankle, like Jeremy Piven’s sister’s boyfriend Kenny in “Grosse Pointe Blank”? It’s not surprising, what with Bills fans being insane and all, and should only reinforce the notion that anybody playing in Green Bay or Buffalo should look to invest in some sort of heavily-secured treeline fortress, a la the resistance fighters in “Land of the Dead.”

The Roger Moore post-“Octopussy” Game of the Week Featuring A Man Who Probably Shouldn’t Have His Job Anymore

ATLANTA (-6½) over Carolina

APSemi-professional football player Jake Delhomme.

So, Jake Delhomme…pretty good! In defense of Carolina, Josh McCown was a pretty good contingency plan until he went down. Other than Michael Vick, there really weren’t any quarterbacks available this offseason who would’ve been a definite upgrade over Delhomme considering the Panthers didn’t have a first-round pick to offer for Jay Cutler or Matt Cassel. Leftwich? Favre? Ramsey? Simms? Eh, maybe. The fact is this season probably wasn’t going to work out for the Panthers anyway, even before McCown’s injury KO’d the man who would’ve taken over once John Fox caught up with the rest of America and realized that Delhomme needs a crowhop to throw a screen pass.

The Max Fisher “Tell That Stupid Mick He Just Made My List Of Things To Do Today” Rivalry Game of the Week

New England (-4) over NEW YORK JETS

Actually, I expect this phrase to be shouted at some point in this game, possibly during a brawl in the loge level. I do like Rex Ryan, but at a certain point, it’s time to get real: You’re Buddy Ryan’s less hairy son — deliberately antagonizing the New England Patriots might not be the best strategy. They kind of have a thing about that. It’s weird.

The “I’d Like Half My Winnings In Cash And Half In Suitcases To Carry The Cash” Easy Money Game of the Week

GREEN BAY (-9) over Cincinnati

Packers bloggers — an excitable lot by nature — are absolutely terrified by this game, which is just adorable. They’re like the excitable townspeople in a Mark Twain story — “My god, if the Bengals can almost beat the Broncos, imagine what they’ll do on the road against a legitimate Super Bowl contender!”

The Leonard Shelby Game of the Week Where You’re Not Quite Sure What To Believe

Seattle (+1½) over SAN FRANCISCO

On opening day, the Seahawks shut out the St. Louis Rams, one of the best MAC teams in recent memory. The 49ers went on the road and upended the Arizona Cardinals, using Jimmy Raye’s run-heavy offensive scheme to rack up 21 yards on 25 carries. One of these teams is winning the NFC West, unless Kurt Warner’s Benjamin Button disease evolves to the point where he can finally avoid a safety blitz. So who’s it going to be? I’ll go with Seattle, a team that seems to have an improved defense and at least a few offensive plays designed to pick up more than three yards.

The “Dr. T & the Women” Game of the Week That Will Feature Dallasites Acting Like The Worst Version of Themselves

DALLAS (-3) over New York Giants

I haven't encountered a single person in the real world who has given any consideration to the scoreboard at the new Cowboys Stadium. This is as it should be. Why should anyone get excited for a piece of technology they have no control over? It's just an overly expensive device to hawk pizza discounts and show highlights to people who can't remember what they saw live five seconds ago.  I’d be much more impressed if Jerry Jones invested in 100 mini-scoreboards, the ones that just constantly stream game stats and out-of-town scores. Tony Romo looks pretty much the same even when he’s on a 90-foot screen — it’s not as if you’re going to look and say, “Wow, he actually can handle a snap out of the shotgun!” You’d think the state of Texas wouldn’t be keen to add credence to the stereotype that its citizens are hopelessly enchanted by big, shiny things.

The “Why Are You So Sweaty…I Was Watching ‘Cops’” Game of the Week Featuring A Team That’s Already Feeling The Heat

JACKSONVILLE (-3) over Arizona

APNobody loses a game like Jack Del Rio. Nobody!

Jacksonville was a late-charging sleeper pick in the AFC, picking up coveted endorsements from Football Outsiders, Cris Collinsworth and Phil Simms. They looked good enough last week in Indianapolis before losing in a way that could best be described as Del Rio-esque. The Cardinals looked sloppy and directionless in their opener against San Francisco, a performance that would be alarming if it wasn’t so similar to the previous 32 regular season games under coach Ken Whisenhunt.

The “It’s Just Another Chapter In The Pointless Rivalry Between Springfield and Shelbyville. They Built A Mini Mall, So We Built A Bigger Mini Mall. They Made The World’s Largest Pizza, So We Burned Down Their City Hall” Meaningless Rivalry Game of the Week

TENNESSEE (-6½) over Houston

Two franchises that hate each other for reasons nobody can even keep straight anymore, although apparently it’s serious enough to instigate message board flame wars and convince an otherwise reasonable man like Bud Adams to burn a top-five draft pick on a fat, weird guy named Vince Young. This game isn’t going to do anything to alleviate that faint nauseous feeling that’s been dogging every fantasy player who pursued a Texans-first draft strategy.

Murder Incorporated Mismatch of the Week

WASHINGTON (-10) over St. Louis

The Rams (mainly Jason Brown) sure are doing a lot of talking for a team that got shut out last week. The Redskins have been emanating a spooky kind of determination all this week that’s more than a little intriguing. As a fan, their performance in a 23-17 loss to the Giants was about what I expected. Something about the loss, though, seems to have ignited something in the team and the staff, even Jim Zorn, the NFL equivalent of a substitute teacher. I think it all started with DeAngelo Hall’s blunt assessment of his own performance after the game and was compounded by the out-of-left-field assessment from local and national media pundits that Albert Haynesworth’s debut was anything less than stellar. With their next five games against St. Louis, Detroit, Tampa, Carolina and Kansas City, the Redskins could very easily be 5-1 heading into their Oct. 26 game against Philadelphia. This is encouraging, since starting fast worked out so well for the ‘Skins last year.

The Renee Zellwegger/Kenny Chesney Bad Honeymoon Game of the Week

CHICAGO (+3) over Pittsburgh

APJay Cutler hopes this week features more TDs, fewer pronounced hickeys.

Jay Cutler went to Vanderbilt, a fine academic institution that requires all undergrads to be familiar with the works of Aristotle, the Greek philosopher who once advised his students, “You want to know how to get Capone? They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That’s the Chicago way!” What I’m saying is, Jay Cutler knows that Chicagoans prefer their quarterbacks to deliver four-INT performances without the dopey, half-assed grin. It’s going to get better. Unless it doesn’t. Which is also entirely possible.

The Horseshoes and Hand Grenades Game of the Week Featuring Two Teams With Fanbases That Seem to Believe in Moral Victories

Oakland (+3) over KANSAS CITY

The Raiders-Chargers Monday night game was the best of the week, to the point that it turned what was supposed to a simple snarky live blog into a slapdash version of NFL.com’s Game Center. The Chiefs, meanwhile, lost to the Ravens by 14 in a game that was allegedly closer than the score indicated that was not, in fact, closer than the score indicated. Chiefs fans are ecstatic over Brodie Croyle’s performance, while Raiders’ backers insist Richard Seymour has found new life on the left coast. Who’s right? Nobody, although the ones pinning their hopes on somebody other than Kelli Croyle’s husband are probably less not right. In Raiderland, that counts as progress.

The Omar Little All In The Game Game of the Week

SAN DIEGO (-3) over Baltimore

APJoe Flacco's deep ball is still a work in progress.

Losing LaDainian Tomlinson makes the Chargers a better team, unless the league amends the rule prohibiting running backs from riding a stationary bike into the end zone. Lost Monday night amid the Raiders’ tough play and Steve Young and Mike Golic’s ongoing effort to misinterpret the most basic rules of American football was how well the Chargers’ run defense clamped down on the scary combo of Darren McFadden and Michael Bush. The Ravens will be terrifying once this high-octane offense is completely installed, but Joe Flacco is still not above throwing the occasional pass that looks like a punt.

The rest:

Minnesota (-10) over DETROIT

New Orleans (Pick) over PHILADELPHIA

Indianapolis (-3) over MIAMI

DENVER (-3) over Cleveland

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