I like it when people on the Internet clarify that their picks are for entertainment purposes only. They should just get a big banner ad that reads I AM LAME. Anyone using these picks for entertainment purposes should try and get out of the house more often. This is Serious Thoughtful Business.
Last week: 9-5
Year to date: 33-29
The Homer Simpson “I’ve Seen Plays That Were More Exciting Than This…Honest To God, PLAYS!” anti-Game of the Week
BUFFALO (-6) over Cleveland
Manchurian Mangini proved last week that he could lose close games as well as blowouts. Dick Jauron, meanwhile, hasn’t exactly displayed the proud bearing and shiny fur coat of a Yale man. Somebody has to win and it might as well be the Bills, if only because they got through the week without trading their only downfield threat to a conference rival.
The Velvet Opera Hat Game of the Week
Houston (+5½) over ARIZONA
Composite sketch of the 2009 Houston Texans.
I offered up the idea of the velvet opera hat team last year as the logical counterweight to the lunch pail team. Just because you’re a finicky underachiever doesn’t mean you don’t deserve an antiquated nickname that will confuse children. Arizona and Houston are the most velvet-opera-hatty teams in the league. You'll see better tackling at "The Scarlet Pimpernel."
Murder Incorporated Mismatch of the Week
Minnesota (-10½) over ST. LOUIS
Rush Limbaugh is serious about buying the Rams. Huzzah, huzzah! Send a check over so the other owners can approve the sale. It’s just a formality — you’d have to be a divisive, pill-popping demagogue to get turned down by this lot. Give him a seat next to Tom Clancy at the league meetings.
The Max Fisher “Tell That Stupid Mick He Just Made My List Of Things To Do Today” Rivalry Game of the Week
MIAMI (+2) over New York Jets
I haven’t picked the Jets once this year and I’m beginning to think I never will. I don’t even have to give a reason. They’re just a good fit for a shadowy media cabal. I don’t care if I miss on every game from here on out — it’ll be worth it if I can out-petty Gang Green’s most devoted followers. Come on, fellas: Let’s get small.
The Marty Feldman “It Could Be Worse, It Could Be Raining” Game of the Week Featuring A Bad Team That Could Be Worse
Tampa (+15) over PHILADELPHIA
Tampa is better than people give them credit for. They’re not good, not by a long shot, but they don’t deserve to be in the discussion about the league’s worst teams. Like Jim Harbaugh, I’ve already got a man-crush on Josh Johnson — he’s completely terrifying without being particularly productive. This week, the defense gets a lift with Tanard Jackson returning from suspension. Again, things could be worse.
The Joe Morgan “You Don’t Play Baseball On Computers” Game of the Week That Will Test Man’s Faith In DVOA
Jacksonville (+1) over SEATTLE
APOur greatest living quarterback.
The must-watch game of the week for anyone who has yearned to see the merits of empirical versus a priori reasoning contested by two football teams in green jerseys. On the one hand, Football Outsiders has Jacksonville pegged as the seventh-best team in the league, an evaluation we take seriously because we are savvy, thoughtful citizens of the 21st century who don’t think Aaron Schatz is a communist because he's good at math. That being said, the little voice inside us all that’s afraid of an eclipse doesn’t want anything to do with Jack Del Rio and David Garrard on the west coast. Reluctantly place your faith in science and technology, with an eye towards blaming Billy Beane if things go wrong.
The “Steve Smith Reminds Me Of Freddy Krueger, The Horror Creature” Ugly Game of the Week
Washington (+3½) over CAROLINA
Why yes, I do plan on repeating this Jon Gruden quote over and over until it becomes funny, thank you. Apparently this "Nightmare on Elm Street" analogy resonates with Gruden--a Google search reveals he first made the comparison in 2008 while still coaching in Tampa. I have to say, I pictured the Dream Warrior as being a little older.
The “I’d Like Half My Winnings In Cash, And Half In Suitcases To Carry The Cash” Easy Money Game of the Week
Indianapolis (-3½) over TENNESSEE
There’s one elemental truth to the jumbled and chaotic NFL universe: Teams don’t have to be good. Why did anyone think losing the best defensive player in the NFL would be anything less than catastrophic for the Titans? Poor Trent Dilfer has to be feeling like Richard Clarke right about now. The warnings were there!
Omar Little All In The Game Game of the Week
DENVER (+3) over New England
There’s nothing stupid people love more than a former assistant coaching against his old boss. Who does this benefit, they ask, as if Josh McDaniels and Bill Belichick are sorcerers who must draw on each other’s strength. Contrary to what every show on CBS says, the only way to catch a serial killer is not to BECOME A SERIAL KILLER; similarily, the only way to beat Bill Belichick is not to BECOME BILL BELICHICK. You just need a better team. Home field helps, too. Denver has both of those this week.
The rest:
Dallas (-8½) over KANSAS CITY
BALTIMORE (-8½) over Cincinnati
Pittsburgh (-10½) over DETROIT
NEW YORK GIANTS (-16) over Oakland
SAN FRANCISCO (-2½) over Atlanta
Follow me on Twitter: RayGustini
Comments
Add a Comment"You just need a better team" Excuse me? You want a moment to think about that?
I'm not saying the Broncos don't have a good team; but it's half made up of Patriot cast-offs.
You could write a couple of columns on the advantage the Pats have at the QB position.
You're claiming this is serious business; but that statement is of a man with an agenda.
People with agendas are not really all that serious.
You're funny, please don't eventually go to the dark-side, ESPN. My ocular senses can't process what is now espn.com, and you'll probably turn lame if you start incorporating product placements.
I love the Tampa pick by the way, you got the gumption and the gum laughs to make it big, so keep it small. Crawl into that vaccum, and stay Steve Martin funny guy, don't become Steven Martin Author and Playwrite.
Why does this guy have a job?
dont know Grey Grater...why dont you have a sense of humour?
WHERE IS 8 IN THE BOX?!?!?!?
This guy stinks worse than Kevin's shoes and those had to be incinerated.
"the little voice inside us all that’s afraid of an eclipse"
hahah
This rationale reminds me of the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm just a caveman. I don't understand your modern society. Many aspects of your world frighten and confuse me. Why, just the other day, I got so frightened by the horns in traffic that I wanted to jump out of my BMW and run for the hills or... wherever. But there's one thing I DO understand, and that's that, when a man slips and falls on some ice outside of a public building, he's entitled to two million in punitive damages. Thank you."
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Oct 09, 2009
07:32 AM
Love the Vlevet Opera Hat that is too funny.
Seattle has not played in a dome since 1999, and they are having major problems with there O line and DB's