Week 6 with Bobby Big Wheel

The National Football Post plucked Bobby Big Wheel from the nether regions of the Internet (Twitter, Tumblr, and, uh, Twitter again) to bring you his musings on the weekend games. Every Monday, get ready for Bobby Big Wheel’s Weekend Report Card. He’s as much an expert on good times as he is on the NFL, so he’ll be throwing in some hard-hitting analysis of non-football weekend activities.

There are a lot of downsides to getting older. Your metabolism disappears, and you have to lower yourself to drinking diet soda and going to spin class. You start looking like your dad, and you don’t have anything in common with college girls any more. But the worst thing about getting older is that you can’t always make time for football. When you’re 26, it’s suddenly no longer acceptable to watch football on your couch all day, when your only responsibility is to be up before Lee Corso’s pick. Sometimes, you’re expected to have brunch with your friends. Brunch is an expensive joke. I’d rather sneak a beer into Denny’s to wash down my Grand Slam than shell out 25 bucks for a mimosa and some eggs benedict.  A mimosa is a girl’s drink, anyway. Screw brunch.

You also get pressured into weekend trips during football season. This is especially the case if you have a girlfriend, so I try to sabotage any relationship I’m in during training camp. I recommend saying that her sister is pretty. But even if you somehow manage to avoid excessive entanglement, your friends won’t.  And they need to escape their girlfriends and have guy trips where everyone can hang out and not get laid. I got roped into a ?shing trip last weekend. I ended up missing the 1 o’clock games while I was out to sea and was too conked out on Dramamine to follow the 4 o’clock games. To hell with fishing. That’s a weekend down the tubes in my book.

You can still read the NFP and catch up on everything you missed, but you’re robbed of the drama and the buffalo sauce and the chance to wear a Rodney Hampton replica jersey without looking like a total moron. So all you college kids reading this between bong hits, cherish your Sundays. Soon you’ll be forced to give them up in the name of male bonding.  Now, on to the games.

Vikings 33, Ravens 31

You would love this Vikings team if not for the Brett Favre media coverage. They’re talented, they’re fun to watch and they’ve played a lot of exciting games so far. Normally, sports writers stick to making baseball miserable with their maudlin crap, but Favre is like Spanish fly for their basest instincts. At least newspapers are dying, and those idiot writers’ next gigs will be editing the feed store’s newsletter.

Jaguars 23, Rams 20

When you're this bad, why not throw a Hail Mary and sell your team to Rush Limbaugh? Look at what Tom Clancy did for the Vikings, or Tom Cruise for the Los Angeles Thunderers.

APPatio furniture baron Arthur Blank.

Falcons 21, Bears 14

Meanwhile, the league doesn’t get enough credit for allowing the head of Home Depot to run a team. In high school, my stoner friends worked there so they could learn how to make gravity bongs. Today, the store is valuable as proof that any contractor you hire is ripping you off. You can prove that Spanish tile costs half of what he says it does, thanks to the Falcons’ owner. God bless you, Arthur Blank.

Panthers 28, Buccaneers 21

You know why Jake Delhomme still starts? Because he’s Cajun. If his name were Jake Whitman, he would have been benched already. For some reason, people trust descendants of Nova Scotia rejects at QB more than anyone else.  At least Tony Pike looked good before he got hurt, Panthers fans.

Bills 16, Jets 13

This game was so ugly you’d think the AFC West was on the line. Rex Ryan is lucky to follow Eric Mangini; he can finish last in the division and still be credited with not being a miserable asshat.

Texans 28, Bengals 17

Unless you’re a Steelers or Ravens fan, the NFL is much more enjoyable with a happy Chad Ochocinco and a healthy Carson Palmer. And they’ll still entertain in 15 years, when the former will be wearing $5,000 suits on NFL Network and the latter will be cutting schlocky ads for his Cincinnati Honda dealership.

Chiefs 14, Redskins 6

There aren’t many reasons to read newspapers any more, but I suggest looking over the Washington Post sports section every Monday for schadenfreude purposes.  And how is “Fire Coach Zorn” not a trending topic on Twitter?

Raiders 13, Eagles 9

JaMarcus Russell had a textbook spin move in the win over the Eagles. It was like someone hit the B button. Also, give Antonio Pierce props for calling out the Raiders right before their game against the Eagles. The Giants are still two games ahead of the only team that could beat them in the division.

Steelers 27, Browns 14

The Browns need to lock Joshua Cribbs into a long-term contract. As far as I can
tell, their strategy on offense is to let the other team score and hope they get a good return off the ensuing kickoff.

Saints 48, Giants 27

APLucky Pierre Thomas.

Nickname watch: Lucky Pierre Thomas. He’s an undrafted scatback who gets to
spell a first-round bust, and his QB has defenses scared of the league’s top aerial attack. Speaking of Lucky Pierre Thomas, some of you don’t even watch baseball, but you should be thankful that MLB has its playoffs right now because it means we don’t have to listen to Joe Buck for a few weeks.

Cardinals 27, Seahawks 3

Seattle won’t let Owen Schmitt bang his head against his helmet any more during his pregame warmups. Too bad, you always want your fullback to look like Andrew W.K.

Patriots 59, Titans 0

The Pats have four picks in the ?rst two rounds of the draft next year. Jordan Shipley should start looking for condos in the Back Bay right now.

Packers 26, Lions 0

Matthew Stafford was wise to get injured, just to remind Lions fans how awful the team is without him. And Daunte Culpepper’s fall from grace has been so swift and brutal that Alexandra Pelosi should direct a documentary about him.

Real Fake guest stars...

Nick Riviera’s injury report

"The New York Jets are worried that Kris Jenkins suffered ligament damage, possibly sidelining him for the remainder of the season. If I were the team doctor, I could get him playing within two weeks. All I’d need is a few sutures, a cadaver’s knee joint and a bunch of cortisone shots.  Make that check payable to cash, New York Jets."

Chuck Klosterman’s Fantasy Pickup of the Week

"Hakeem Nicks is only owned in 11 percent of leagues, even though he has touchdowns in three straight games. He reminds me of Humble Pie; everybody knows he’s talented, but they won’t give him respect. But when he takes a screen pass to the house, it’s like watching Peter Frampton shred a guitar solo."

Zombie Sagan knows football.

Zombie Carl Sagan’s Monday Night pick

"Sometimes, mankind fails to realize how similar it is to other animals. Other life forms are quite similar to homo erectus, in both manner and disposition. Some animals act badly because they’ve had a hard life, or have been mistreated. But sometimes, they’re just jerks. Like Philip Rivers. I don’t care if he had a distasteful encounter with Popeye from “Sanctuary,” that putz has no excuse for being such a stain on mankind."

Broncos 27, Chargers 17

Email Bobby at robertbigwheel@gmail.com

Comments

Add a Comment