Unemployment is hovering around 10 percent, but Joe Buck, Troy Aikman, Tony Siragusa and Terry Bradshaw aren’t included in that figure. Terrible broadcasters have a way of sticking around; remember how long it took to get rid of Joe Theismann? But I was really hoping the recession would finally provide the cover to dump some of these guys.

Network executives are not idiots. Most of them are actually eligible to join The Ivy Plus Society. But the same problems leading to TIPS’s formation undergird the executives’ decisions. They become so infatuated with themselves they fail to recognize the errors they’re making, be it fraternizing solely with Ivy League women (yawn, wake me when someone creates the SEC-Plus), or sticking with Daryl Johnston.

I have yet to meet a fan who enjoys Joe Buck’s broadcasting. But in 1994, Fox decided to make a guy with a reedy voice and no sense of the moment (that gene must be recessive) its youngest broadcaster ever. Why? Because nobody at Fox wanted to second-guess their decision to fast track this guy. Some suit got to brag to everyone at the Harvard Club about how he found the next Vin Scully.  If he fired that guy, even after more than a decade of subpar service, it’d be Faberge egg on his face.

Which brings me to the recession. I thought the down economy would be cover for the networks to get rid of some of these guys. A lot of major firms have downsized, and the party line is always “normally we wouldn’t do this, but in this economy we had to.” What better way to get rid of a festering mistake like Matt Millen by saying “we’d love to keep him around, but we’re trying to save money by only having seven guys on our pregame show.”

Maybe all the bad announcers are locked into pricey long-term deals with no buyout clauses. Maybe Tony Siragusa has pictures of Rupert Murdoch with an underage kangaroo. But maybe the suits are morons after all. Now, on to the games.

Chargers 37, Chiefs 3
Shawne Merriman looks like Verbal Kint running around out there. I haven’t seen an detestable athlete lose his talent this quickly since John Rocker. Also, it’s a bad sign for LT if fans hear that the Chargers tore off a big run and assume it came from Darren Sproles. Don’t they have a guy who used to lead the league in rushing or something?

Colts 42, Rams 6
Wonder why Peyton Manning looks so good out there? It’s because dumping Marvin Harrison for Austin Collie and Pierre Garcon is the football equivalent of a middle-aged man having an affair with his personal trainer. Nothing rejuvenates you quite like a fresh face right out of college. Nickname watch: Dallas Clark is the Pass Depository.

Cowboys 37, Falcons 21
Jerry Jones says Wade Phillips’ job is safe to whoever still believes the words coming out of Jerry Jones’s mouth. Meanwhile, Jerral is having trouble blocking out the sun at his new palace. Perhaps he could ask fellow evil billionaire Montgomery Burns for advice.

Jets 38, Raiders 0

Reader tkroy30 asked me what I thought of Mark Sanchez making an adjustment to cold weather. I’m from Connecticut but went south for school, and it took me one year to fully re-acclimate myself to real winters again. But now I can wear shorts when it’s 45 degrees out again. Be patient, Jets fans. And props to “NFL Today” for airing an interview of a visibly drunk Joe Namath from 1976. You can’t spell Namath without AA.

Panthers 20, Bills 9
I visited my sister in upstate New York this weekend, and I don’t know how they drink so much Labatts. It tastes like any other cheap beer, but wow, does it makes the next day a bit more interesting.

Patriots 35, Sillynannies 7
Damn right we’re sending some Patriots to London. We should have reenacted the Battle of Yorktown at halftime, with Kellen Winslow in the role of George Washington. And it’s not like Bucs fans are bemoaning the loss of a home game; UF’s headed for another national championship, and Tampans need to spend their Sundays gussying up their jorts for the occasion. Also, was anyone else surprised the U.K. let Jerramy Stevens enter the country?

Packers 31, Browns 3
It continues to blow my mind that Derek Anderson played in a Pro Bowl. His passes look like they got shot down in midair.

Cardinals 24, Giants 17
I’m a Giants and Yankees fan, so I get to ignore this game. Thank you, MLB scheduling incompetence.

Texans 24, Niners 21
Nickname watch: Uncle Owen Daniels. Why yes, I had trouble getting laid in high school. Why do you ask? And that NFL ad with Mario Williams grabbing the child in slow motion is super-creepy. That ad makes Williams look like he has to stay 50 yards away from school buses at all times.

Steelers 27, Vikings 17
Not only did Brad Childress blow the game, but apparently he’ll challenge anything. Such a skeptic, I wonder if he has any theories about the Kennedy assassination. And did you see Mike Tomlin’s sunglasses? He’s the only NFL coach who shops at Urban Outfitters. Also, I got to meet my sister’s boyfriend this weekend. He seems like a solid dude; he even likes the Black Keys. But he’s a Steelers fan, so I need to check out his apartment to make sure he doesn’t possess a Fathead.

Saints 46, Dolphins 34
Bobby Big Wheel exclusive: Starting Saints linebacker Troy Evans was a “jock” in high school but “not a huge a------.” If anyone else has juicy gossip like that, send it my way. My e-mail’s at the bottom of the page.

Bengals 45, Bears 10
Jerk Store, my Cincinnati correspondent, told me even when his guys were up 31-3 at the half he was afraid to taunt his Bears fan friends, lest he tempt fate.  That sums up nicely life as a Bengals fan.

Dr. Nick Riviera’s Injury Report
Colts safety Bob Sanders had to leave the game with lower body trauma. That guy appears on the injury report more often than I do in dubious product endorsements. Buy Growital: the male enhancement drug that might not cause the hantavirus.

Chuck Klosterman’s Fantasy Pickup
This week’s pickup is Mike Wallace of the Steelers. Forget what you saw in the ‘70s, this Steelers team is dedicated to the pass. However, I won’t oblige you to take him if you’re related to William Westmoreland.

Zombie Carl Sagan’s Monday Night Pick
Cannibalism after procreation is a rare phenomenon in the wild; most instances of it in praying mantises and black widow spiders have occurred when females are over-stimulated by the presence of human observation. But it’s happening this season in the NFL, as Jim Zorn is allowed to keep his job, knowing he’ll be fired as soon as he provides the Redskins with a top-five draft pick: Eagles 21, Redskins 6.

Zombie Carl’s record: 1-0.

E-mail Bobby Big Wheel at robertbigwheel@gmail.com