Thursday night football is like a new Bob Dylan album: better in theory than execution. At least we got to hear Matt Millen talk about Jake Grove for three hours. That was fun. When in doubt, build your broadcast around the unremarkable center.

Last week: 8-7
This week: 1-0
Year to date: 77-69-1

Murder Incorporated Mismatch of the Week
Pittsburgh (-10) over KANSAS CITY
I still think Kansas City is the worst team in the league, a position admittedly harder to defend after the Browns remade “Eraserhead” on national television Monday night. Cleveland’s incompetent, but Kansas City is ineffectual. Give Eric Mangini credit: the man has a vision, even if it’s for an opera house in the jungle. Todd Haley lacks the basic survival skills to locate the brink of madness.

The “I’d Like Half My Winnings In Cash, And Half In Suitcases To Carry The Cash” Easy Money Game of the Week
Philadelphia (-3) over CHICAGO
Julia Allison doesn’t get enough recognition for being the preeminent cooler of her generation. Think about it: Topher Eggers’ brother botched the “Where The Wild Things Are” movie. Harold Ford is out of politics after an ill-advised candidacy for House Democratic leader and unsuccessful Senate bid. Now, the most promising QB of his generation has been undone by a night of dirty dancing. The girl is a machine.

Game of the Week Barry Levinson and I Think You’d Enjoy A Lot More If You Understood Leland Zevo Was Based On Robert Irsay
BALTIMORE (Pick) over Indianapolis
Truly the “Citizen Kane” of anti-war magic toy factory movies, Barry Levinson’s “Toys” never gets enough credit for shaping Jim Irsay’s character, from the “no war toys” edict down to the jaunty red top hats. Even Baltimore can’t stay mad at a man who fights fire with marshmallows.

The Josh Freeman Bildungsroman Game of the Week
TAMPA BAY (+11½) over New Orleans
The same Chris McAlister the Raiders wouldn’t take a flier on in September will be starting for New Orleans on Sunday. “Northanger Abbey” had more depth at cornerback.

The Fergus Henderson Nose To Tail Game of the Week
NEW ENGLAND (-10) over New York Jets
I wasn’t raised on ghoulish Dust Bowl dance marathons, so I’m probably not the best person to evaluate the success of Andy Katz’s 24-hour shift kicking off the college basketball season. I will admit to being captivated by the postmortem on the Patriots/Colts game. It posed an unanswerable and captivating question: To what extent does real-time human fallibility skew the reliability of objective data? How do you measure the innate intelligence of a football coach? These questions don’t lend themselves to an answer that can be concisely shouted by Woody Paige.

The Homer Simpson “I’ve Seen Plays That Were More Exciting Than This…Honest To God, PLAYS!” anti-Game of the Week
DETROIT (-3½) over Cleveland 
Say this for Brady Quinn: He may be a bust on an awful team, but he hasn’t let it affect the quality of his frolicking in network bumper promos. Kid’s a pro.

The Knee-High Ugg Boots Power Move Game of the Week
JACKSONVILLE (-8½) over Buffalo
Truth be told, I think girls in boots are slightly overrated. THERE, I SAID IT. Girls in cowboy hats are sturdier drinking companions and can be cajoled into addressing people as “partner.” That’s all you can hope for right there.

The Max Fisher “Tell That Stupid Mick He Just Made My List Of Things To Do Today” Rivalry Game of the Week
Washington (+11) over DALLAS
Doug Free’s debut for the Cowboys is like the Beatles at Shea for practice squad junkies. Too bad he’s not lining up next to Andy Alleman, ideally while attempting to block Gary Guyton and Maurice Evans.

1978 Paul Schrader’s Can’t Miss Game of the Week
OAKLAND (+9½) over Cincinnati
If “Hardcore” taught us anything--and it did--it’s that solid, salt-of-the-earth Midwestern types don’t match up well against California pornographers. Nobody ever made a movie about George C. Scott rescuing his daughter from the depths of the Pittsburgh sex trade. The Bengals aren’t worldly enough to deal with the 2009 Oakland Raiders.

Omar Little All In The Game Game of the Week
San Francisco (+6½) over GREEN BAY
San Francisco is a league-best 7-2 against the spread this year, a fact that has become less significant in the time it took you to read this sentence. (Still not convinced? Consider that Pittsburgh and Cleveland are both 3-6.) Give Alex Smith credit, though: He looks right at home in Jimmy Raye’s 17th-century offense. Not too many guys with names other than Philomel and Hezekiah who can say that.

The rest
Tennessee (+4½) over HOUSTON
San Diego (-3) over DENVER
MINNESOTA (-11) over Seattle
Atlanta (+6½) over NEW YORK GIANTS
Arizona (-9) over ST. LOUIS

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