There is more — but not substantially more — to Week 8 than the state of Wisconsin collapsing on itself like a dying star. Many of these issues will be discussed in the coming paragraphs in a frank and conversational manner that is becoming of you, the class of 1974. Any remaining material will be covered on the road test, just prior to the three-point turn. Thank you for your patience and lack of curiosity about your town’s burgeoning punk rock scene.

Last week: 9-3-1
Year to date: 55-49-1

The Max Fisher “Tell That Stupid Mick He Just Made My List Of Things To Do Today” Rivalry Game of the Week
Minnesota (+3) over GREEN BAY
In light of Greg Jennings’ 2009 fantasy season, I’m declaring that all sub-6-foot wide receivers must have comically alliterative names like Wes Welker and Steve Smith. I really wouldn’t have drafted Jennings if I knew he was 5-11. He’s using a tall receiver name under false pretenses. No wonder he’s had fewer passes thrown to him than Muhsin Muhammad, Louis Murphy and Mark Clayton. Aaron Rodgers has no patience for your mind games and ever-expanding web of height-related deceit. The same cannot be said of Brett Favre, who won’t hesitate to throw to the taller-than-he-sounds Sidney Rice if it means winning in Green Bay. Revenge is a dish best served pointless and vague.

The Royal Tenenbaum “I’m Talking About Taking It Out And Chopping It Up” Statement Game of the Week
INDIANAPOLIS (-12) over San Francisco
The audience for the comedic stylings of the Manning family -- once limited to people afraid to go to Kansas City because of their three-story skyscrapers -- has gradually expanded over the decade to people who both know what a Peabody Award is and wouldn’t give one to Joe Buck. Going on a hypothetically funny program like “SNL” and reenacting this scene from “The Royal Tenenbaums” (sadly missing audio) should convert the remaining anti-Manning hardliners. Do it and I’ll personally pledge $25,000 to save the endangered Cooper Manning puff piece.

The “I’d Like Half My Winnings In Cash, And Half In Suitcases To Carry The Cash” Easy Money Game of the Week
Houston (-3½) over BUFFALO
Last week in this space, I compared the Texans to those tantalizing, emotionally unavailable women Ryan Adams is always singing about. After nearly blowing a 21-point halftime lead to the 49ers last week, I’m starting to think the more apt comparison is Adams himself. This is actually a good thing. It provides us with a ceiling (“Come Pick Me Up”) and a floor (heroin and derivative poetry) for what was once the league’s most unpredictable club. The Texans are who we thought they were: a decent team that can’t get over Parker Posey.

The 73 Miles To Haddonfield Game of the Week
Cleveland (+13½) over CHICAGO 
There isn’t a single network showing “Halloween” this Halloween. From this I can only deduce we’re living in Russia, or possibly some alternate version of America that doesn’t like to terrify children with stories of masked killers stalking loose Midwestern gals. This is a mistake — any creative person under 40 in this country has a traumatic childhood memory related to watching “Halloween.” Cable channels like USA used to play it more or less continuously during October, frequently in the middle of the afternoon when a nation of children would tune in to see this movie that’s supposed to be really scary but doesn’t even have any blood and looks like it was filmed in OHMYGOD. This happened to literally everyone I know. John Carpenter punching you in the head was a fundamental part of childhood. Come on, TCM, you’re the definitive cable movie channel — go out and buy the exclusive TV rights to the original “Halloween.” Tell Scorsese his Val Lewton documentary will have to wait until he’s done ruining “Shutter Island.” If he doesn’t like it, get Jeffrey Combs to re-animate Donald Pleasence to kick his ass.

The Homer Simpson “I’ve Seen Plays That Were More Exciting Than This…Honest To God, PLAYS!” anti-Game of the Week
DETROIT (-4) over St. Louis
At the very least, the 2009 St. Louis Rams have provided a nice little wrinkle to the “Build your team along the defensive and offensive lines” conventional wisdom, now amended to read, “Build your team along the defensive and offensive lines, but take note to avoid committing two top-15 picks to Chris Long and Adam Carriker and investing $99.5 million in Jason Smith and Jason Brown as these materials can lead to overheating and, in some instances, electrical fires.”

Murder Incorporated Mismatch of the Week
ARIZONA (-10) over Carolina
Kurt Warner is the anti-Favre. Nobody goes to greater lengths to convince you he’s not having fun. In close up shots, his face bears the expression not of a Super Bowl winner in charge of one of the NFL most dynamic offenses, but that of a man attempting to pass a kidney stone through his eyeball. I don’t mention this to be critical, since it’s so clearly his way of staying in the moment, but to raise a point about the aura surrounding the Cardinals. They’ve become A Serious Team. Indianapolis, New England, Pittsburgh and (maybe) New Orleans are the same way. Ruthless is too strong a word; let’s call them efficient. They’re the teams that won’t not show up, if you’ll forgive the double negative. When they lose, it’s because somebody beat them.

Game of the Week For People Who Enjoy Hearing About Other People’s Fantasy Teams
Jacksonville (+3) over TENNESSEE
Of course you want to watch Chris Johnson. I want to watch Chris Johnson. HE’S INSANE. But be advised that the people you watch games with on Sundays are under no obligation to honor this request, the same way nobody on Saturday can be forced adhere to more than three of your pleas to “switch over to the Tulane game for just a second.” Nobody cares where you drafted Johnson or Maurice Jones-Drew. All they see is 20,000 seats and two fat guys trying to play quarterback.

The Left Frontal Lobe Injury Game of the Week
Seattle (+9½) over DALLAS
The story of Phineas Gage is literally the one thing I remember from the psychology course. You’d think I was the British railway worker who got a nail imbedded in my brain and suffered behavioral and memory problems. I’m sure the story is familiar to anybody who took a psych course hoping to meet cute girls and instead ended up listening to a foreign TA babble about the amygdala for four months. God, psych courses are awful. So, to recap, the Cowboys and Seahawks are unpredictable and Wade Phillips has an English railroad worker stuck in his brain.

Omar Little All In The Game Game of the Week
BALTIMORE (-3½) over Denver
Next on “Future Playoff Goats”: Denver kicker Matt Prater. Wobbly; inaccurate. Bound to cost the Broncos at least one critical game. Will his impending collapse spur a backlash against other kickers from the JV soccer team? All this, plus an updated forecast on Nick Swisher flipping the ball into the stands with only two outs — coming up on “Future Playoff Goats.”

The rest
Atlanta (+10) over NEW ORLEANS
Miami (+3) over NEW YORK JETS
Oakland (+16½) over SAN DIEGO
New York Giants (+1) over PHILADELPHIA

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