HELLO.

I’ve been asked to take time off from my vacation on the non-submerged side of the Republic of Minerva to produce computer writing on the sinister forces plaguing the Oakland Raiders, a North American football club I am in some way affiliated with.

Let me be clear: Before someone — probably Mike Shanahan -- got to that family in Colorado, the plan had always been to get rid of JaMarcus Russell using a helium balloon. This was the plan from day one. John Herrera said it in the draft room in 2007: “If it doesn’t work out, we can always get rid of him in a hot air balloon.” Lane Kiffin laughed particularly hard at this statement, under the mistaken impression that John or I approve of comedy jokes. We do not.

Devising the contraption was no problem, as the Raiders are the only team in the NFL with a full cadre of SCIENCE DETECTIVES working around the clock. Many people have asked me about the money the Raiders commit to SCIENCE DETECTIVES or our germ warfare lab. Why the emphasis on dirty bombs and cops with beakers and test tubes? Can’t you trust that kind of thing to Libya, or every show on CBS? I can only reply that the football is changing — you can expect to free yourself of dead weight via trade or walling off the offending player in a wine cellar. This is California. Nobody has wine cellars. IT’S STRUCTURALLY UNSOUND.

Russell turned in a terrific performance the next week against Buddy Ryan’s Philadelphia Eagles. We also got solid play from a small pigeon on special teams (although sadly, the pigeon was cut later in the week after his arrest for soliciting an undercover officer). Even Ted Cable got some good news when the Napa DA announced he wasn’t going to press charges in the attack on newly minted “Baseball Tonight” analyst Randy Hanson. On the one hand, this made me happy, since I think Ted will make a very good head coach some day. On the other hand, it made me worry about the efficiency of our 12 full-time FURNITURE DETECTIVES, whose job it is to make sure desks and chairs are not repeatedly punching staffers in the face. Could they be moonlighting for somebody else? Kiffin? Lombardi? The chemically preserved brain of Pete Rozelle? Maybe they’re affiliated with those armoire-rights radicals Edward Murrow talks so much about these days.

I’m not used to the idea of a genuine saboteur lurking in my complex. Don’t get me wrong, I like suspecting people of being double agents. Just today I’ve accused multiple low-level staffers of being in league with the Kansas City Chiefs, the League of Women Voters and Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria. But when I see concrete evidence that someone or something is conspiring against this team by sabotaging our floating coffins, trapping our pigeons in vice stings and encouraging our office furniture to become self-aware -- that’s scary. I can honestly say I never thought it would happen to us, at least not again.

That being said, I talked about the situation to JaMarcus over pancakes and he seemed to have no idea what was going on. So I guess he’ll start this week.

END COMPUTER WRITING

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