Week Sixteen (2008)

Inanimate masses of frozen water finally got the better of me this week after I dislocated my knee falling on a piece of ice outside my house. On the one hand, this was humiliating, as falling on ice is about the most Old Man-y injury you can have, with the possible exception of lacerating your tongue on a packet of Sweet’N Low, or getting into a bar fight with Martin Landau. On the plus side, I got pumped full of so much Vicodin that Mike Tannenbaum now wants to make a late-career trade for me.

In the noble tradition of men with broken legs engaging in socially productive activities such as witnessing Raymond Burr murder his wife, I opened my doors last night to those unwashed souls who don’t get NFL Network.

You used to be able to dismiss the Thursday night telecasts, with “Oh, you’re not missing much.” This was partially true—while the shaky technical credits improved rapidly, there was always Bryant Gumbel and his Kevin Costner-in-“The Untouchables” style intonation to make you want to clean your ears with a flaming Q-Tip.

With Papa and Collinsworth, that doesn’t wash. Every game, even Colts-Jaguars is a must see. I don’t think I’ve seen a sporting event this year that looked as good as that game last night. They did everything to convince you this was a Big Game, including the underrated move of showing the National Anthem and replaying the player intros. They even made Jacksonville look like real, interesting city, which should be an Emmy category in of itself: “Outstanding Achievement In Hell Holes Presented As Livable”

Last Week: 2-11-3

This Week: 1-0

Year To Date: 99-101-9 

The Ian McEwan Saturday Game of the Week

Baltimore (+4.5) over DALLAS 

Ooh, the triumphant return of the Saturday game, just in time for millions of travelers stranded in airport bars. This is the second Cowboys game in less than a week that will be simulcast on NFL.com, complete with shots of the Cowboys 900-person sideline. It was like overflow seating last week: after taking two insane hits in the 1^st quarter, it took Romo a good two minutes to get over to the trainer’s table. I was really excited to see T.O. bitch at Witten and Romo, but he just spent the whole time talking to men in overcoats who looked like the cast of “How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying”

(The comparison is too easy, but at this point, there really is no difference between Romo and early Jake Plummer: they even have the same hobble)

The Peter Venkman “Dogs And Cats Living Together!” Mass Gambling Hysteria Game of the Week

Buffalo (+7) over DENVER

It’s an insult to the phrase “backing into the playoffs” to suggest that Denver and Arizona have, in fact, “backed into the playoffs.” More accurately, the Broncos and Cardinals have “stumbled drunkenly into the playoffs,” if the playoffs somehow included an ornate table full of elegant desserts that both teams could destroy in the process. The Broncos are the trickier team to handicap, as they’ve shown themselves to be equally adept at, say, beating the Jets on the road, and getting thrashed by the Raiders at home. I don’t think I’ve picked them correctly all year. The same goes for Buffalo, who I stuck with four weeks past the point of no return, until in a moment of clarity I realized that the only reason Dick Jauron keeps getting hired is because he went to Yale and looks like Mike Shanahan before Shanny started melting.

The George Costanza “All I Want Is My 75 Cents Back, An Apology, And For That Man To Be Fired!” Game of the Week

Philly (-5) over WASHINGTON

To be fair, this Redskins season hasn’t been a total washout: Zorn and Vinny Cerrato recently set an all time record for Most Wins By An Illiterate GM/Coach combo. Dan Snyder is handing out commemorative coins to mark the occasion.

I realize Snyder bought up all the radio stations in DC so he wouldn’t have to listen people call him stupid and argue over which creature from mythology he most resembles (troll), but surely he has to be picking up on the incompetence of the other two-thirds of Fredo? The players and coaches want to beat Zorn bloody with a sock full of pennies; Cerrato is bailing on his own radio show with a serious case of ‘being Vinny Cerrato.’ Have these two clowns done anything to avoid getting the Layla Scene treatment 90 seconds after the last game?

The Homer Simpson “I’ve Seen Plays That Were More Exciting Than This…Honest To God, PLAYS!” anti-Game of the Week

Cincinnati (+3) over CLEVELAND  

It’s disappointing that a perfectly good blizzard is being wasted on these two teams—the Bengals and Browns don’t deserve to play in a foot of snow. Next year, the NFL should take the Flex Game concept one step farther and introduce Flex Venues. Vikings-Falcons could take the snow, and these two could go to the Metrodome, or maybe one of Cleveland’s numerous abandoned warehouses.

Watching the Browns last Monday, it struck me that Ken Dorsey is the real-life version of ‘QB#17’ in Madden, right down to the getting sacked before he finishes his drop. He’s absolutely the guy you would sub out for the speedy QB-turned-WR with 85 Arm Strength, 60 Accuracy, and 2 Awareness.

(On the subject of Monday Night Football, Ron Jaworski gets an F- for his performance this year. Say what you will about Mr. Tony, but he isn’t helped by the fact his partner is apparently unfamiliar with the logistics of a rhetorical question)

10 Songs To Rock Your Weekend

1. ‘It’s A Cold Night For Alligators’ by Roky Erickson

2. ‘The Great Skua’ by British Sea Power

3. “40” by U2

4. “Something To Believe In” by The Ramones

5. ‘Mimi’ by The Long Winters

6. ‘Electric Feel’ by MGMT

7. ‘Days of Feel’ by Dump Truck

8. ‘Designs on You’ by Old 97’s

9. ‘Home’ by Jordan Zevon

10. ‘I’ll Work For Your Love’ by Bruce Springsteen

The Daniel Plainview “I’VE ABANDONED MY SON!” Game of the Week Where Brad Childress’ Love For Tarvaris Is Put To The Test

Atlanta (+3.5) over MINNESOTA

Here’s the thing about Atlanta—like the Ravens, they’re competent enough to punish you for doing something profoundly stupid like only having 10 men on the field, or lobbing a pass up into coverage instead of taking a sack. This doesn’t sound like much, until you realize that they’re matched up against Tarvaris Jackson, for whom the profoundly stupid is mundane.

The Arizona game last week was the nightmare scenario for every Minnesota fan—just enough production out of Tarvaris to convince Childress to keep his pet project under center for the stretch run. Aside from the being-hated-by-his-players thing, Chilly is the 21^st century’s answer to Wayne Fontes: burned in effigy by the local fans/media, squandering elite talent, and prone to inexplicable late-season winning streaks to save his job. Amazing. He’s even squandering the golden years of a freakishly talented running back, too. The best part is going to be when he misses out on Cassel and gives away a 2^nd-rounder for Sage Rosenfels or Troy Smith.

Murder Incorporated Mismatch of the Week

Houston (-7) over OAKLAND

If Nnamdi Asomugha does indeed ditch the Raiders for the Patriots this off-season, is his ensuing memoir inspirational and moving enough to sell at Starbucks? I say yes—even with the sports backdrop, his story is compelling enough to appeal to soccer moms. They’re going to love how he spent his best years toiling in secret for a power-mad dictator, only to escape and tell his story with the NFL’s premiere team and most CB-friendly system. Free Nnamdi!

The Cranberry & Vodka Game of the Week To Enjoy Without Shame

KANSAS CITY (+4) over Miami

Back in the bad old days, part of my job involved reviewing multiple movies per week. This sounds pretty good, until you realize that 90% of the movies being produced in this country (or at least that appealed to the readers of this particular publication) are murky documentaries filmed on digital video. I usually find this format achingly boring, but I am adamant that there’s a documentary to be made out of Carl Peterson’s last two weeks in Kansas City. Does he even go to these last two games? If not, who will tell Dick Curl what play Herm should call? Is he going to be like Napoleon and live in exile on an island until William Ford hires him in 2017?

The Thunder Road “We Got One Last Chance To Make It Real/To Trade In These Wings On Some Wheels” Game of the Week For The Detroit Lions To Pull Out Of This Town Full Of Losers (Population: 1976 Buccaneers)

DETROIT (+7) over New Orleans

And now, a brief excerpt from every local newscast featuring a “wacky” sportscaster, a dumb anchorman, and a spacey anchorman:

WACKY SPORTSCASTER: And, for my upset of the week, I like…hold on…the winless Detroit Lions over the New Orleans Saints! (STUPID ANCHORMAN gasps) That’s right Bill

STUPID ANCHORMAN: It’s Bob.

WACKY SPORTSCASTER: That’s right, Bob! The Detroit Lions finally get off the…(struggling to pronounce)..s-schnide. I mean, the Saints don’t have Reggie Bush—

STUPID ANCHORMAN: You gotta have Reggie Bush, he’s your workhorse!

WACKY SPORTSCASTER: You sure do, Bush is a complete player.

SPACEY ANCHORWOMAN: Bush is our president’s name.

WACKY SPORTSCASTER: He sure is Tammy. But unlike George Bush, Reggie Bush will be back next year...ha, little political humor for you there…But the Saints future is bright—Deuce McAllister will be back next year.

STUPID ANCHORMAN: Another great player!

SPACEY ANCHORWOMAN: ‘Deuce’ means two.

WACKY SPORTSCASTER: You’re both right!

It’s so predictable, but whatever, Lions win 26-24, Marinelli gets a 5-year extension, Millen returns from exile with a newfound confidence and sense of purpose, Culpepper eats five Big Macs while stuck in holiday traffic, Saints don’t draft a running back in the 1^st round, etc.

10 Songs To Rock Your Girlfriend’s Weekend

1. ‘Present of Future End’ by The Most Serene River

2. ‘John Allyn Smith Sails’ by Okkervil River

3. ‘The Light’ by Sun Kil Moon

4. ‘You and Me and My Enemy’ by Tammany Hall Nyc

5. ‘I’m Looking Through You’ by The Beatles

6. ‘Sunset Soon Forgotten’ by Iron & Wine

7. ‘It’s Only Natural’ by Crowded House

8. ‘If I Were You’ by Kasey Chambers

9. ‘Black Leather Boots’ by Chris O’Brien

10. ‘Thunder Road’ by Bruce Springsteen

The Ray Carver “What We Talk About When We talk About Pro Football” Old-Timey Game of the Week

Pittsburgh (-2) over TENNESSEE

God, I’m pushing a Golic-esque quota of reactionary storylines this week: the Lions beating the Saints, the pending implosion of the Jets/Broncos/Cardinals, the surging 49ers/Texans/Eagles, and finally, the shaky state of the Titans.

I don’t really believe this one, though: it’s just that the insane 3-4 is a nightmare matchup for the Titans. Pittsburgh is the one team you can’t run the ball on—it’s physically impossible, it can’t be done.

Meanwhile, how much fun does it look like to play for Mike Tomlin? His Awesome Quotient, on a scale from 1-10? 54? 70? 29,806?

The Warden Norton Hope-Crushing Game of the Week  

TAMPA (-3.5) over San Diego 

Why does Lane Kiffin want to coach with his dad? I mean, I love my dad, and I think he loves me too, but we each secretly think the other is incompetent enough to burn the house down if left unsupervised. I wouldn’t want to be stuck in Knoxville with him looking over my shoulder every day, telling me all the things I’m doing wrong as I try to resurrect an over-the-hill football program. It just seems weird, but then again, nobody in my family, to the best of my knowledge, has been cited as instrumental in the proliferation of the Tampa-2 defense.

(Another reason a hands-off owner is the best kind of owner: if the season ended today, Marvin Lewis and Norv Turner would both be employed in their current capacity next season. That’s why you hire FOOTBALL MEN to make your decisions! The National Football League isn’t one of your fantasy games, with dragons, orcs, and points-per-possession!  Oh mindless NFL rhetoric: don’t you ever change on me)

The Donner Party West Coast Disaster Game of the Week

SEATTLE (+4.5) over Jets

The Jets have been luckier than Henry VIII in “Match Point” this year. And while wispy English tennis pros can spend their whole lives pinning murders on alcoholic drifters, it’s exceedingly difficult for a mediocre team to ride a wave of lucky breaks into a playoff berth, especially when 10 wins may not cut it. It doesn’t help the Jets have proven themselves incapable of winning on the west coast, turning in their worst performances of the year in losses against San Francisco and Oakland. The Seahawks—apropos of nothing—have become a tough out over the past month, and Seneca Wallace is the kind of screwy matchup in the mold of Cassel and Tyler Thigpen that has made smoke come out of Mangini’s ears this season.

Omar Little All In The Game Game of the Week

Carolina (+3) over GIANTS

I don’t like foisting nicknames on everyone, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to avoid referring to the Panthers as ‘Little Big Blue’ It’s just fun to say—I want to emblazon it on some t-shirts and sell them door-to-door across the southlands.

Mike Lombardi hit it on the head earlier this week when he said something seems off about Eli—I’m not sure if he misses Jacobs/Burress, or the Giants are finally facing some good defenses, but it seems the blueprint for beating New York centers around blitzing Manning so he doesn’t have the time to put on one of his shuffles/mini-scrambles that lets his receivers get free.

Since this is a battle for homefield/potential NFC championship preview, it warrants mentioning that the Coughlin-era Giants always manage to tank against the Panthers. I don’t know what it is, since Coughlin and Fox didn’t overlap during Fox’s time as the Giants DC, but Big Blue always gets out of sorts around Little Big Blue.

The Rest:

NEW ENGLAND (-7.5) over Arizona

San Francisco (-5) over ST. LOUIS

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