Week Eight (2008)

I never thought I’d see the words ‘Jay Glazer’ and ‘first amendment martyr’ in the same sentence, but we could very well be headed down that road should Brett Favre listen to Dan Patrick and sue for defamation. As a journalist, this is troubling, and yet, I can’t help but anticipate a trial that will prominently feature Rupert Murdoch, Matt Millen, William Ford, William Ford’s disloyal son, Rod Marinelli, and Eric Mangini.

Since I am technically the media reporter here at the National Football Post, I also need to weigh in with a few thoughts on ESPN refusing to cover the Favre/Lions story: as a general rule of thumb, the overall effect of quietly sweeping a story under the rug is somewhat lessened when you send out a mass DO NOT REPORT email to all staffers. Would somebody please teach the Worldwide Leader the meaning of the words ‘plausible deniability’?

Last Week: 7-7

Year To Date (Did Not Pick Week 1): 46-37-3

The Homer Simpson “I’ve Seen Plays That Were More Exciting Than This…Honest To God, PLAYS!” anti-Game of the Week

NEW YORK JETS (-13) over Kansas City

The following point has been made in a variety of different forums this week, but it bears repeating: Carl Peterson gave the Jets a 4^th round pick so he could he hire Herm Edwards. The Jets turned that pick into Leon Washington, who is a nice player, but really, they could have drafted an escaped mental patient in a Santa suit and still come out ahead.

With only one healthy QB in Kansas City, isn’t this the perfect time for Carl Peterson to extend Jason Whitlock an olive branch and bring back Jeff George?

Speaking of Jeff George, you know who 2008 Brett Favre reminds me of? Jeff George! They both throw some of the prettiest 80-yard incomplete passes you’ll ever see. Warrants mentioning Favre had about a million chances to steal that game away and couldn’t come through. Obviously, he got help from Eric Mangini (the first man, woman, child, animal, or inanimate object to be outsmarted by Tom Cable) and that vaunted Jets o-line—clearly, ditching Pete Kendall for the twice-as-expensive and half-as-good Alan Faneca was a solid move.

The Jeff Wigand Whistleblower Game of the Week

Cleveland (+7) over JACKSONVILLE

I had a pretty scary staph infection when I was a kid, so I can see where Kellen Winslow is coming from. I remember when I was bed-ridden, scared, and emaciated, I took comfort hearing my mom tell my friends, “Sorry, Ray can’t play, he has a staph infection, but he’ll be good as new once he finishes his antibiotics,” as opposed to, say, “I cannot confirm or deny that Ray’s gonads have swollen up to the size of grapefruits.”

The fact Phil Savage is apparently more concerned with protecting the reputation of his practice facility than sticking up for his players is kinda surprising. What’s even more surprising is that the generally conservative, reactionary sports media has sided against management and cast Kellen Winslow as a latter day Karen Silkwood, only not as good in pass protection.

Murder Incorporated Mismatch of the Week

BALTIMORE (-7) over Oakland

Terrell Suggs’ pick-6 against the Dolphins last week was decidedly awesome. The linebacker booking it in the open field is one of the more unheralded exhilarating moments in football. Also, has anybody thrown more INTs to linebackers during their career than Chad Pennington?

Hopefully, this is the week peacekeeping forces intervene and helicopter Nnamdi Asomugha out of Oakland to let him play for a real team. He’s one of those guys like Michael Boley and Owen Daniels who you wish would end up in the NFC East team just so the media will finally start paying them some attention.

Tom Cable’s botched freeze-the-kicker ploy at the end of the Jets game last week was endlessly amusing, and also registered as the most ignominious moment of the year for a University of Idaho alum not named Sarah Palin. I’ve been awful when it comes picking Raiders games this year: lost amid the lunacy in the Alameda is a legitimately good defense and physical play along both lines. The downside, obviously, is the incompetence. And the evil. Don’t forget the evil.

The Jonathan Mardukas “Ya’at’eeh, Everybody, Ya’at’eeh” Game of the Week Involving Bounties

PITTSBURGH (-2.5) over New York Giants

Hines Ward-centric hysteria hit an all-time high this week after he broke Keith Rivers’ jaw and Terrell Suggs let it slip that members of the Ravens D are lining up to collect a bounty on Ward in the next Pittsburgh/Baltimore game. A very specific sub-set of Giants fans (usually those who enjoy Suzyn Waldman) feel the same about Plaxico Burress, the first person in history to not like playing for Tom Coughlin. Predictable NY Post outrage aside, it’s worth noting Coughlin, Jerry Reese, and Eli Manning seem non-plussed by Burress’ recent problems. This strikes me as the best possible way to approach the situation. Why take this tact? Because they’re not self-aggrandizing morons. Plax is a freakishly talented headcase—that’s why the Giants signed him. The risk is worth the reward. And when things got too difficult earlier in the year, they punished him. And then they stopped talking about it because, really, what else is there for the Giants to say? They know and we know all there is to know about Burress.

Compare this with Herman Edwards’ SHOCKED AND APPALLED! response to Larry Johnson’s troubles. Really, Herm? You legitimately thought a guy Dick vermeil once advised to “take the diapers off” was a team-first player? You’re surprised a guy with a history of domestic abuse would spit a drink in a woman’s face? Funny, I don’t remember him being so concerned when he was riding Larry Johnson to the playoffs 2 years ago.

Channeling Marty Bach’s immortal brushing off of Michael Clayton, “Fifteen years in, I’ve gotta tell you how we pay the rent?”

10 Songs To Rock Your Weekend—Good news, the iMixes are finally up and working. Search iTunes for National Football Post and they’ll pop up.

1. ‘Satan Said Dance’ by Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!—The best song from CYHSY!’s relatively disappointing sophomore album.

2. ‘Timebomb’ by Beck—Beck is at the top of my unheralded Scientologist list, just ahead of Jason Lee.

3. ‘Silver Things’ by Limbeck—Such a great band. Worth seeking out.

4. ‘Generator’ by The Holloways—Initially, in honor of the London game, the music this week was going to be comprised completely of English bands. That got boring fast, so this is the only one that made the cut.

5. ‘Land Of The Brain Damaged’ by Hong Kong Six—Another song I found on one of the crazy mix CDs that used to arrive in our office with packaging that gave you a glimpse of what life would be like if the Unabomber moonlighted as an a&r rep.

6. ‘Play It All Night Long’ by Warren Zevon—I was blasting ‘Things To Do In Denver When You’re Dead’ to psych myself up to write about the Broncos, only to discover this was their bye week. This will have to due.

7. ‘Criminal’ by The Roots—The case could be made that The Roots are America’s most popular group. Really, who doesn’t like them? They’re one of the few bands we all can agree on.

8. ‘There Is Nobody’ by Yoav—I’m going to go out on a limb and say Yoav may be our greatest Israeli-South African songwriter.

9. ‘Windowsill’ by Arcade Fire—The most underrated song off of Neon Bible.

10. ‘Land of Hope and Dreams’ by Bruce Springsteen—Play this loud. Very loud.

The “I’d Like Half My Winnings In Cash, And Half In Suitcases To Carry The Cash” Easy Money Game of the Week

Atlanta (+9) over PHILADELPHIA

Ideally, Andy Reid would just resign in disgrace and live out the rest of his days on an island with Mike Hargrove, Pat Quinn, and Paul Westphal. However, as this is Philadelphia, Reid’s departure will inevitably involve cut brake lines, thrown batteries, and an angry mob with torches descending on Reid’s home.

Reid is the obvious target if the Eagles implosion goes off as expected, but I advise Philly fans to save some of their bile and cyanide capsules for Jim Johnson. The deification of assistant coaches seems to have obscured the fact that D has been beatable for 3 years now. Why? Because it’s the same damn thing, every single week. Blitzing leads to sacks and bad decisions, but you know what else it leads to? A halfway competent QB/O-coordinator saying, “Gee, if they do this every play, we should probably call lots of draws/take a 3-step drop and hit the slot receiver coming out of his cut.” The talent level has declined to the point that, along with the draws and quick-hitters to the slot/TE, teams aren’t afraid to gut it out against the Eagles up the middle—the Portis/Betts tandem ate them alive in the Redskins game.

Norwood/Turner is a similar duo and Matt Ryan strikes me as smart enough to take a deep breath and say, “While it is scary to have all these people blitzing me, it means Roddy White is in single coverage down the field, I think I will throw it to him.”

The “They Usually Call Death Row The Last Mile, But We Called Ours The Green Mile, Because The Floor Was The Color Of Faded Limes” Game of the Week Where You Just Hope They Remembered To Moisten Mike Nolan’s Sponge

Seattle (+5) over SAN FRANCISCO

So, Mike Nolan… which one was he again? Oh right, the suit guy. Seemed like a solid fellow—what went wrong? I mean, a guy in a suit…it’s not as if he’s apt to do something stupid like draft a small-handed, system-QB first overall, invest a top-10 pick in a TE who can’t block, or install schemes his personnel has no chance of executing. Those are the moves of a coach in a sweatshirt!

The importance of Nolan’s clothes cannot be overstated. If he dressed like everyone else, he would still have a job. I wouldn’t hire him, but there’s no way he is worse than Rod Marinelli, Marvin Lewis, Herm Edwards, Romeo Crennel, or Brad Childress. The difference was Nolan presented himself in the most officious manner possible, giving ammo to anybody looking to cast him as the know-it-all coaches’ son. The stupid spats with Alex Smith and show-off-y play calls (can somebody please find out how many times Nolan called for the ‘surprise’ onside kick in the last 3-and-a-half years? The over-under is 10) only made things worse.

I’m not sure if the lesson is ‘conform,’ or maybe ‘don’t expect to find a franchise cornerstone in the worst draft of the modern era;’ either way, with the exception of Patrick Willis and Frank Gore, the Niners roster is as barren as it was in 2005.

The Joe Strummer “I Went To The Market To Realign My Soul/But What I Need/I Just Don’t Have” Where Two Floundering Teams Hope Warm Beer And Meat Pies Save Their Seasons

San Diego (-3) over New Orleans

Two of the weirdest teams in the league. The Saints are done—you almost wonder if the Saints shut Brees down with an eye towards ’09. Brees is one of the best players in the league, but he clocks in at 6ft, 200lbs and plays in an offense that requires him to attempt 40+ throws a game.  Why risk somebody rolling into his leg during a meaningless December game, or re-injuring his shoulder as Sean Payton tries to bring Herm Edwards’ philosophy about RBs to the QB spot.

Philosophically, I question the Saints defense—that is a S-L-O-W group of guys, the majority of whom were handpicked by Payton. Why does it make any sense to build a big, lumbering NFC East-style defense for a franchise guaranteed 9 indoor games each season?

The Chargers lost a decidedly bizzare game in Buffalo last week. Norv Turner has enough problems with time management under the best of circumstances—when the power went out, San Diego was toast. The most underreported tidbit from the trade deadline was the Bolts almost nabbing Michael Bush from the Raiders for a “second day pick.”  I’m skeptical, as this would indicate Al Davis is not completely out of his mind.

Getting Bush and fleecing a division rival would be great, but really, Turner can’t find a way to tweak his offense to run some stretch plays with Darren Sproles? He’s right there—use him. I realize the guy is 5’7, but I think his body can handle more than one touch a game. If this were the Patriots, everybody would say it was a conspiracy to drive down his market value in a contract year.

Either the way, the Chargers are gonna be ok, as 9-7 takes the AFC West.

Halftime

Movie of the Week: Joe Versus The Volcano—A manic John Patrick Shanley comedy, made back in the days before Tom Hanks was the most trusted man in America and Meg Ryan turned into a Gila monster.

Big Important Book of the Week: “Redemption Song: The Ballad of Joe Strummer” by Chris Salewicz—CBS is going to be bludgeoning us with the opening chords of ‘London Calling’ each time they go to commercial during the Chargers/Saints game, so you might as well bone up on your punk knowledge by reading Salewicz’s bio of former Clash frontman Joe strummer. As a rule, submarine movies and rockstar bios are my least favorite pop culture staples, but Salewicz ignores the usual beats in favor of creating a timeline that mirrors the contributions of its subject.

New Classic Of Sports Journalism: ‘Coach Leach Goes Deep, Very Deep’ by Michael Lewis—In honor of Mike Leach finding his new kicker during a halftime competition, here’s the NY Times piece that started Leach-mania.

Montage of the Week: George at Play Now

The “I Cannot Believe That You, Bodysuit Man, Could Perpetrate Such A Disloyalty” Game of the Week

Washington (-8) over DETROIT

Count me unimpressed by Rod Marinelli’s Nixon-esque descent into madness. How can he get indignant about the Lions fostering a culture of entitlement? Didn’t Matt Millen give Marinelli free reign over the last 3 years to remake the team as he saw fit? I thought that was the point of the Shaun Rogers trade, the Martz firing, and the Dwight Smith/Brian Kelly/Chuck Darby signings. The whole Detroit Deuce blueprint was enacted to appease Marinelli. Look, we all agree Matt Millen couldn’t tie his own shoelaces, but it’s a gutless move for Marinelli to pile on and pretend he doesn’t bear any responsibility for the last 3 years.

In my neck of the woods, Jim Zorn is quietly feeling his oats. First was his public tiff with Vinny Cerrato over the fate of punter Durant Brooks. Then, during his news conference after the Browns game, Zorn took a shot at Joe Gibbs’ habit of not being able to watch field goals. When a reporter asked what he was doing when Phil Dawson lined up what would have been the game-tying kick, Zorn replied, “I was trying to get a series of plays for overtime…I wasn’t lowering my head and not watching.” Gotta say, that’s not gonna make the kids go out and buy a “Stay Medium” t-shirt. In the words of Kirk Lazarus, “Pump your breaks, kid—that man’s a national treasure.”

The John Hazelet Game of the Week

NEW ENGLAND (-7) over St. Louis

During Steve Spurrier’s introductory press conference in Washington, somebody included Jim Haslett’s name in a question about how the OBC would stack up against the brightest minds in the NFL. Spurrier responded by spending the next few minutes ridiculing the work habits of somebody called ‘John Hazelet,’ whom he apparently thought was coaching the Saints at the time. We all thought this was hilarious at the time, although it bcame decidedly less amusing around Week 6 when the Saints came to DC and won 43-27.

My point is this: rumors of Jim Haslett’s incompetence have been greatly exaggerated. He’s not a top coach, but he’s also not a moron. He’s solidly average right there in the meeaty part of the curve, as George Costanza likes to say. That improbable Coach of the Year run in 2000 probably set the bar too high. Still, let us never forget he briefly got through to Ricky Williams, and actually won a playoff game with Aaron Brooks at QB.

What record does Haslett have to post to become a legitimate Coach of the Year candidate? Considering just how awful the Rams looked through 5 games, I say 6-5 puts him in the mix. 7-4 and he wins it in a walk. 8-3 and we should send him off to that cave from Deep Impact to ensure future generations will have football coaches in the event of an asteroid-related mishap.

Were he to win, he’d be the 11^th coach to win multiple times since the AP firsted started handing out the award in 1957. The others: Allie Sherman, George Allen, Don Shula, Chuck Knox, Joe Gibbs, Mike Ditka, Bill Parcells, Dan Reeves, Bill Belichick.

That’s right….SHULA…PARCELLS….HASLETT

(Side note: If, through a series of bizarre mishaps, Coach of the Year voting took place today instead of at the end of December, here’s what my ballot would look like, assuming one of these bizarre mishaps results in my getting a Coach of the Year vote:

1.       Dick Jauron

2.       Mike Smith

3.       Lovie Smith

4.       Jeff Fisher

5.       Mike Tomlin

The Good Shepherd “…And You Will Have Nothing. And You Will Never Be Safe” Game of the Week Where The Cowboys May Or May Not Show Irreparable Damage (But It’s Only A Matter Of Time)

Tampa (+2.5) over DALLAS

De Niro’s CIA opus The Good Shepherd is one of my 10 favorite movies. I see its themes in many aspects of life, not least of all in the plight of the 2008 Dallas Cowboys. In the movie, Matt Damon plays a CIA operative with an unchanging face (like Jerry Jones!) who spends 25 years building an intelligence agency to keep the world safe, only to end up emotionally gaslighting everybody who gets close to him (like T.O.!) His motivation comes from his father, who, just before committing suicide, advises a younger version of Damon’s character, “Don’t lie to your friends or they will never trust you. And you will have nothing. And you will never be safe.” (This sounds like something Bill Parcells would tell a child)

Even if the Cowboys eke out a playoff birth, the events of the last month have ensured they will have nothing and never be safe. The threat of a meltdown is now on everybody’s minds, and that genie isn’t going back in the bottle. It can’t—I have no idea if the Cowboys trust each other or not, but really, under the circumstances, how could they? Wade Phillips is an ineffectual leader under the best of circumstances, and now he has Jason Garrett breathing down his neck; Jerry Jones says he doesn’t want a WR and then gives up a 1^st-and-3^rd rounder for the right to pay Roy Williams $45 million; The medical staff and the starting QB can’t agree on the severity of his finger injury; nobody realized how to use Felix Jones, and then he goes down with an injury; the most volatile player in the league is upset over play selection. 

The Bucs, meanwhile, are the best bet in the league at 5-1-1 against the spread (or 5-2 if you’re like me and had them at +10.5 last week). The offense looks better with Garcia at the helm instead of living underground in a fiberglass tree. Gruden may not like it, but Garcia truly is his Hannibal Lecter—they need each other. Hopefully Garcia won’t escape Tampa during the bye week wearing Luke McCown’s face. (It’s only a matter of time until Jon Gruden signs David Price to the Bucs practice squad. A 6’6 lefty who throws 100mph? Love you bro!)

The “Ginger Rogers Did Everything Fred Astaire Did, Except Backwards And In Heels” Game of the Week Where We’ll Continue To Ignore That The Bills Are A Better Version Of The Titans.

Buffalo (-1.5) over MIAMI 

I’d appreciate it if somebody up with a new aphorism to describe this phenomenon. How about: ‘Wade Phillips did everything Norv Turner did, except fat and southern’? Anyway, the Titans are a smart, brutal, efficient team. You know this. If the Titans were to play the Bills at a neutral site this week, the line would be Tennessee -3.5. As of Week 7, they are a complete team firing on all cylinders. This is the whole problem—the Titans are operating at peak level with 10 games left to play. Even if they don’t suffer any major injuries, is there any historical precedent to suggest Chris Johnson, Cortland Finnegan, and Albert Haynesworth will continue producing at their current pace? All 3 are great players, but all reasonable data suggests that by the end of the year, their stats will even out to those of other great players, as opposed to diesel-powered cyborgs from the planet Footbalia.

The Bills aren’t that far off the pace, and they’re only going to get better. The Moneyball set isn’t wild about Trent Edwards, but he passes the eye-test; game-changers Roscoe Parish and Terrence McGee will soon be back from injury; Marshawn Lynch will inevitably start racking up 100-yd games; Marcus Stroud and Kyle Williams will keep clogging up the middle. Plus, they’re in position to utilize one of the NFL’s best home field advantages for a bare minimum of 1 playoff game. I’m just saying…

10 Songs To Rock Your Girlfriend’s Weekend

1. ‘Soldier Boy’ by Mason Jennings—Worth playing back-to-back with Josh Ritter’s ‘To The Dogs or Whoever’

2. ‘TV Star’ by Butthole Surfers—Still waiting for that comeback album, fellas.

3. ‘Sleepin’ In On Sunday’ by Caitlin Cary—At some point, you gotta think this song is popping up in a Cameron Crowe movie.

4. ‘The Heart of Life’ by John Mayer—If the rumblings are true, we may be seeing a lot of Youtube parodies called ‘The Womb of Jen’

5. ‘How To Be A Dreamer’ by Southerly—No idea about the backstory of this song/band. It just popped up on my iPod earlier this week.

6. ‘Angel Dream, No. 4’ by Tom Petty—Another song Petty composed for Ed Burns’ ‘She’s The One’

7. ‘Bookworm’ by Margot & The Nuclear So and Sos—Starting to come around on their new album

8. ‘Abacus’ by Fionn Regan—A slightly more tightly-wound version of Damien Rice. He also looks eerily like Will Leitch.

9. ‘Wrapped In My Memory’ by Shawn Smith—The song played after Christopher dumped Adrianna’s car in the famous “Long Term Parking” episode of ‘The Sopranos.’ Still gives me chills

10. ‘Iceman’ by Bruce Springsteen—An absolute treasure from the ‘Tracks’ box set

The Demented Hitchhiker “Step Into My Office…Because You’re F— Fired!” Game of the Week That Won’t Get Marvin Lewis Fired

HOUSTON (-9.5) over Cincinnati

I really tried going along with the whole “The Bengals are better than their record!” logic. No more. The Bengals are just as bad as their record would suggest—in an ideal world, they’d be earning negative wins. 

Look, it was a wonderful achievement for Marvin Lewis to coordinate a Super Bowl winning defense despite lacking a fully functional brain. It was the greatest instance of a coach overcoming a disability since an illiterate Jacques Demers coached the Montreal Canadiens to a 1993 Stanley Cup title.

Warm and fuzzy feelings aside, are we past the point where 31 teams would even hire him as a d-coordinator? I know he’s supposed to be a nice guy and parts of the awful situation in Cincinnati are beyond his control, but professional football players are assets worth millions of dollars. Would you really trust Marvin Lewis to have any input on that investment after he mismanaged the long-term health of $119 million man Carson Palmer and proved unfit to handle Chad Johnson, the most marketable player in Bengals franchise history?

Most disturbingly, it seems like Lewis really is trying to win: at least we knew Lane Kiffin was trying to get fired—I’m not even sure Marv Lewis is competent enough to sabotage his team. He’s doing what he thinks is best: unfortunately that seems to mean starting Cedric Benson.

The Max Fisher “Tell That Stupid Mick He Just Made My List Of Things To Do Today” Rivalry Game of the Week

TENNESSEE (-4) over Indianapolis

If this wasn’t a rivalry beforehand, it certainly becomes one once the Titans discovers that, all things being equal, Vegas views them as only 1 point better than the Colts. Everybody in the country seems to be onboard the Titans bandwagon except the odds-makers—are they still mad about Pacman?

It is difficult to understand the logic of picking the Colts in this situation. Ooh, they completely forgot to show up on the road last week against a mediocre Green Bay team, but surely things will go better when they play a better team this week.

I’ve never really bought the IN THE TANK!!! logic some folks have about how the media covers the NFL’s premiere teams and players, but I must say, folks are going to extraordinary lengths to avoid mentioning how average Peyton Manning looks. My favorite was Peter King—who I actually like—calling the Packers game “one of the most frustrating days of Peyton Manning’s career.” I probably would have gone with “one of the suckiest days of Peyton Manning’s career.”

The Omar Little All In The Game Game of the Week

CAROLINA (-4) over Arizona

If I may channel Tom Jackson, “This is a statement game, Boom.” I’ve never really understood why statement games have to involve 2 decent teams. I’m not going to think less of the team that loses here—the Jets mailing it in last week in Oakland said more than this game ever will

Comments

Add a Comment