With so many comments in the news recently making me cry out with an incredulous “Seriously?” I feel compelled to offer a public service message about what these people are really saying while they say something else. As a first in a series of “What they say” and “What they mean,” here’s a list from the past week, starting with our favorite philandering golfer:

Tiger Woods:

“I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated.”

I got caught.

“My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners.”

Do you believe sponsors dropped me for cheating on my wife? I’ll show them. Rock on, Nike!

“I do plan to return to golf one day. I just don’t know when that day will be.”

The sponsors who dropped me will be singing their song of regret when I start dominating the tour again.

“I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me.”

I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. Guess that won’t be so easy now.

PGA Commissioner Tim Finchem on Tiger:

“He’s an American hero.”

He’s my meal ticket!

Fawning media over Tiger’s statement:

He was honest, sincere and heartfelt.

I hope he will still like me and give me one of the first interviews.

Now on to football…

Vince Wilfork, on being given a franchise tag from the Patriots:

“It’s basically a slap in the face.”

Why can’t I get Haynesworth money now!

The Patriots, on placing the tag on Wilfork:

“Despite numerous proposals, we were unable to reach a long-term agreement.”

He wanted Haynesworth money.

Free agent Terrell Owens, on his relationship with one of his former quarterbacks:

“Donovan and I are friends.”

Dude, I need a job!

Donte’ Stallworth, on signing with the Ravens:

“I’m thankful for this opportunity.”

I thought no one would sign me after I accidentally killed a man.

GM Ozzie Newsome, on the Ravens’ signing of Stallworth:

“We believe in second chances, and Donte’ deserves that.”

We got a guy that got $35 million from the Browns two years ago for less than $1 million with nothing guaranteed and can get rid of him at the first sign of a problem. I’ll take that deal!

Dean Spanos, on releasing LaDainian Tomlinson from the Chargers:

“I respect LT as much or more than any player I’ve ever known.”

As much as I love him, I’m not paying him that $2M bonus coming up.

Julius Peppers, on the possibility of staying with the Carolina Panthers:

“Last year at this time, that was the option that I wanted most. Now it’s not.”

I know teams have told my agent they’d pay me way more than Carolina. What? Is that not allowed?

The Browns’ Mike Holmgren, on their offseason plan:

“We believe in building a team through the draft and being very selective in free agency; I think that's how you build it.”

Have you seen some of the contracts they gave out around here?

Ahman Green, on potentially re-signing with the Packers:

“It sounds like I'll be back next season. I'm just getting myself in shape and getting ready for 2010.”

Although Ted Thompson would like to replace me with a low-round draft pick, they should bring me back. Or at least I hope they do.

Mike Vrabel’s agent, on possibly re-signing with the Patriots:

“He has only the best of feelings for what he was able to accomplish with the team.”

He’ll play for cheap to come back.

Gary Brackett’s agent, on possibly re-signing with the Colts:

Gary has expressed his desire to retire a Colt.

Show me the money!

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